BACKGROUND

One of the biggest challenges family members face is transitioning from a family to a stepfamily. When some family members force others to choose between old and new loyalties, charting a course that will maintain all of the relationships and make everyone happy can seem impossible. To see how you would manage such a situation, read the case study and work through the five steps that follow.

CASE STUDY

Your parents married young, and it was a bad match. Your dad is cold and authoritarian, but generous in sharing time and knowledge with you. He’s a brilliant mechanic and avid outdoorsman and taught you everything you know about cars, camping, and fishing. You respect, love, and fear him. In contrast, your mom is affectionate and outgoing. She’s your principal source of emotional support, and the two of you are very close.

During your childhood, your dad dominated the family. His decisions were law, and family discussions were rare. Your parents fought constantly over his need for control, and your mom eventually divorced him and gained custody.

Despite the divorce, your dad continued to believe that the family someday would reunite. This fantasy was shattered when your mom married Stephan. Stephan is the opposite of your dad; he couldn’t fix a car or catch a fish to save his life, but he is open, funny, and kind.He places enormous value on talking things through as a family and welcomes youropinion—even when it differs from his. Slowly you adjust to having a diversity of viewsencouraged and your opinion valued. You come to adore Stephan, and relish the warm, witty, and varied discussions of your stepfamily.

Your dad remains bitter about yourmom’s remarriage. He constantly mocks Stephan in e-mails to you. He also plies you for personal information about your mother and her marriage. You feel like a spy. When you tell your mom about your dad’s prying, she is furious, and a huge fight erupts between them. The tension is resolved when you leave for college, because your parents cease contact with each other.

You’re home for the weekend, visiting your dad. When the topic of your mom arises, your dad stuns you by breaking down. He confesses that he still loves her, but realizes now that they will never be together. He blames Stephan for “ruining everything!” He demands that you choose between him and Stephan. He threatens to move away and sever ties with you unless you cut off contact with Stephan, saying, “Knowing you’ve replaced me with another father reminds me of all I’ve lost!” Later, when you call your mom and tell her what happened, she says, “Good! He should leave. I know I’m happier without him in my life. You will be too!”

YOUR TURN

While working through the following steps, keep in mind the concepts, skills, and insights you’ve learned so far in this book, especially this chapter. Also remember: there are no right answers, so think hard about the choice you make! (P.S. Need help? Review the Helpful Concepts listed below.)