Interparental Conflict

INTERPARENTAL CONFLICT

Managing Interparental Conflict

Helping parents better manage their conflicts

  • Following a significant conflict between parents or caregivers, reach out to each person individually, letting them know you’re available to talk.
  • Encourage them to be mindful of how negative emotions and flawed attributions shape their conflict perceptions and decisions.
  • Remind them of the relational damage wrought by destructive messages.
  • Help them identify the causes of the conflict.
  • List goals and long-term interests they share in common.
  • Use these points of commonality to collaboratively create solutions that will prevent similar conflicts in the future.
  • Evaluate these solutions in terms of fairness for both of them.

One of the most potent family challenges is interparental conflict: overt, hostile interactions between parents in a household. While such constant fighting is harmful to the parents’ relationship, the impact upon children in the household is worse. Interparental conflict is associated with children’s social problems, including lower levels of play with peers and lower friendship quality (Rodrigues & Kitzmann, 2007). Such children are also more likely to imitate their parents’ destructive interaction styles and, consequently, are more at risk for aggressive and delinquent behaviors (Krishnakumar, Buehler, & Barber, 2003).

But the most devastating effects of interparental conflict are relational. Adolescents who perceive a high frequency of interparental conflict are more likely to report feelings of jealousy and fears of abandonment in their romantic relationships (Hayashi & Strickland, 1998). Interparental conflict also negatively impacts late teen and adult perceptions of interpersonal trust, love attitudes, sexual behaviors, relationship beliefs, cohabitation, and attitudes toward marriage and divorce (Rodrigues & Kitzmann, 2007).

Why do children suffer so many profound and negative outcomes from fights between parents? One explanation is the spillover hypothesis: emotions, affect, and mood from the parental relationship “spill over” into the broader family, disrupting children’s sense of emotional security (Krishnakumar et al., 2003). Children living in households torn by interparental conflict experience a chronic sense of instability—not knowing when the next battle will erupt and if or when their parents will break up. This gives them a deep-seeded sense of emotional insecurity related to relationships (Rodrigues & Kitzmann, 2007), which manifests in their own intimate involvements, months and even years later.

What can you do to manage interparental conflict and its outcomes? If you’re the child of parents who fight, encourage them individually to approach their conflicts more constructively. Share with them all you know about conflict from Chapter 8: effective approaches for managing conflict, the negative role of self-enhancing thoughts, the dangers associated with destructive messages, and the trap of serial arguments. If you feel that you are suffering negative outcomes from having grown up in a conflict-ridden household, seek therapy from a reputable counselor. And if you’re a parent with children, realize this: everything you say and do within the family realm—including interactions you have with your spouse or partner—spills over into the emotions and feelings of your children.