Managing Conflict and Power
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Whether it’s big or small, when a dispute arises, you may feel that no one else has ever had the same thoughts and emotions. The anger, fear of escalation, pain of hurtful comments that should have been left unsaid, and uncertainty associated with not knowing the long-term relationship outcomes combine to make the experience intense and draining.
But conflicts and struggles over power needn’t be destructive. Though they carry risk, they also provide the opportunity to engineer positive change in the way you communicate with others and manage your relationships. Through conflict, you can resolve problems that, left untouched, would have eroded your relationship or deprived you of greater happiness in the future. The key distinguishing feature between conflict and power struggles that destroy and those that create opportunities for improvement is how you interpersonally communicate.
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We’ve discussed a broad range of communication skills that can help you manage conflict and power more effectively. Whether it’s using collaborative approaches, critiquing your perceptions and attributions, knowing when to take a conflict offline, or being sensitive to gender and cultural differences, you now know the skills necessary for successfully managing the disagreements, disputes, and contests that will erupt in your life. It is up to you now to take these skills and put them into practice.
POSTSCRIPT
This chapter began with a woman determined to dominate her children. Amy Chua made headlines and best-seller lists when she boasted of her dictatorial parenting style. Her book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, describes her dysfunctional approaches to managing conflict and power in painful detail, including taunts, tantrums, insults, and accusations.
What messages did you learn growing up about how conflict and power should best be managed? Did the way in which your parents or caregivers dealt with conflicts leave you feeling better about yourself and your relationship with them? Or did it leave a wake of interpersonal destruction and heartache behind?
Satirical or not, Chua’s book provides a powerful lesson for us all regarding the relationship between choices, communication, and outcomes. When you consistently choose to manage disputes in unyielding, aggressive ways, the relationship outcomes will be as unsatisfying and unpleasant as the conflict itself.