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Malcolm X is most remembered for his fiery rhetoric denouncing white racism and his rejection of nonviolent protest as a means for dealing with oppression. Less well known is the marked change in his perception and communication that occurred following his visit to Saudi Arabia. He traveled to Mecca for a traditional Muslim hajj, or pilgrimage. During his visit, he worshipped, ate, socialized, and slept in the same room with white Muslims. In doing so, he was shocked to discover that despite their differences in skin color, they all shared similar degrees of religious devotion. The experience was a revelation and led him to reassess his long-standing belief in an unbridgeable racial divide between whites and blacks. As he explained in a letter home: “on this pilgrimage, what I have seen and experienced has forced me to rearrange my thought-patterns and toss aside some of my previous conclusions” (Malcolm X, 1964).

Malcolm’s transformation suggests important lessons for everyone interested in improving perception and communication. He came to appreciate others’ perspectives and feel a strong emotional kinship with those he previously disparaged based on skin color. He also freely called into question his own perceptual accuracy by critically assessing his prior judgments and correcting those found to deviate from “the reality of life.” These changes reveal two ways we can improve our perception and interpersonal communication: offering empathy, and checking our perception.

OFFERING EMPATHY

Empathy is one of our most valuable tools for communicating competently with others (Campbell & Babrow, 2004). The word empathy comes from the Greek word empatheia, meaning “feeling into.” When we experience empathy, we “feel into” others’ thoughts and emotions, making an attempt to both understand their perspectives and be aware of their feelings in order to identify with them (Kuhn, 2001).

Empathy consists of two components. The first is perspective-taking—the ability to see things from someone else’s vantage point without necessarily experiencing that person’s emotions (Duan & Hill, 1996). The second is empathic concern—becoming aware of how the other person is feeling, experiencing a sense of compassion regarding the other person’s emotional state, and perhaps even experiencing some of his or her emotions yourself (Stiff, Dillard, Somera, Kim, & Sleight, 1988).

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We often think of empathy as an automatic process beyond our control, something we either feel or don’t feel (Schumann, Zaki, and Dweck, 2014). Consequently, we excuse ourselves from being empathic toward outgroupers or people we dislike. But recent research suggests that whether we feel empathy toward others depends largely on our empathy mind-set—our beliefs about whether empathy is something that can be developed and controlled (Schumann et al., 2014). People who view empathy as developable and controllable are capable of feeling empathy for a broad range of others—even within interpersonally challenging contexts, such as during conflicts, when arguing about political beliefs, or when asked to listen to a grief story told by an outgroup member (Schumann et al., 2014). Those who believe empathy is an uncontrollable, natural response have difficulty experiencing empathy within such challenging encounters.

But experiencing empathy isn’t sufficient in itself to improve your interpersonal communication and relationships. You also must convey your empathy to others. To competently communicate the perspective-taking part of empathy, let others know that you’re genuinely interested in hearing their viewpoints (“I’d love to get your impression”), and tell them that you think their views are important and understandable (“Seeing it from your side makes a lot of sense”). To communicate empathic concern, disclose to others that you care about them and their feelings (“I hope you’re doing OK”). Share with them your own emotions regarding their situation (“I feel terrible that you’re going through this”). Competently conveying empathy isn’t just something to be strived for as a matter of principle; it’s a recommendation packed with practical benefits. Recent research on perceived perspective-taking, for example, suggests that when others believe that you are taking their perspective, they are more likely to perceive you as relatable, to like you, and to help you when you are in need (Goldstein, Vezich, & Shapiro, 2014).

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Importantly, avoid using “I know” messages (as in “I know just how you feel”). Even if you make such comments with kind intentions, others will likely view you as presumptuous and perhaps even patronizing, especially if they suspect that you don’t or can’t feel as they do. For example, when people suffer a great loss—such as the death of a loved one—many don’t believe that anyone else could feel the depth of anguish they’re experiencing. Saying “I know how you feel” isn’t helpful under these conditions.

CHECKING YOUR PERCEPTION

The second way to improve your perception is through perception-checking, a five-step process in which you apply all that you’ve learned in this chapter to your perception of others.

Perception-checking is an intense mental exercise. Mastering it takes time and effort, but the ability to critically check your own perception goes, as Malcolm X wrote, “hand in hand with every form of intelligent search for truth,” whether the truth is personal, interpersonal, or universal. When you routinely perception-check, errors are corrected and perception becomes more accurate, balanced, and objective. As a result, you will make fewer communication blunders, and you will be able to tailor your communication to people as they really are, making your messages more sensitive and effective. The ultimate result will also be perceptual: others seeing you as a competent communicator.