MAINTAINING ROMANCE ACROSS DISTANCE

A common challenge to maintaining romantic relationships is geographic separation. At any one time, nearly half of college students are involved in romances separated by geography, and 75 percent will experience a long-distance dating relationship while in school (Aylor, 2003).

People often think that long-distance relationships are doomed to fail. However, long-distance romantic relationships have actually been found to be more satisfying and stable than those that are geographically close (Stafford, 2010). On measures of love, positivity, agreement, and overall communication quality, geographically distant couples score higher than local partners (Stafford & Merolla, 2007). Why? Stafford (2010) offers several reasons. Couples separated by distance often constrain their communication to only that which is positive, steadfastly shying away from troublesome topics that provoke conflict. Geographically distant couples also idealize their partners more. When you’re not around your partner every day, it’s easy to cherish misconceptions about his or her “perfection.” And visits between partners are typically occasional, brief in duration, and passionate. This amplifies the feeling that all their time together is intense and positive—an unsustainable illusion when people see each other regularly (Sahlstein, 2004).

The most difficult maintenance challenge long-distance couples face is not the separation but the eventual reunion. Almost all couples separated by distance express a desire to be near each other again, and they anticipate that being together will result in dramatic relationship improvements (Stafford, Merolla, & Castle, 2006). But the reality is more complicated. Couples who are reunited following separation are twice as likely to break up, compared with those who remain long distance (Stafford & Merolla, 2007). Rather than being “all bliss, all the time,” living locally presents a blend of rewards and costs (Stafford, Merolla, & Castle, 2006). On the plus side, couples get to spend more time together, savoring each other’s company and sharing in the “little” things they missed when apart. On the minus side, partners’ cherished illusions about each other are shattered. Reunited couples report realizing for the first time their lover’s negative characteristics, such as laziness, sloppiness, immaturity, or failure to invest effort in the relationship. They describe a substantial reduction in autonomy, experienced as a loss of time and space for themselves, loss of interaction with friends and family, and irritation with having to be accountable to their partner. Reunited couples also report increased conflict, as formerly “taboo” topics become regularly discussed and fought over.

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Despite the challenges, you can have a happy and enduring long-distance romance. Here are some suggestions to help maintain such relationships:

DECIDING WHETHER TO MAINTAIN

In my favorite movie of all time, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004), Joel (Jim Carrey) and Clementine (Kate Winslet) are lovers struggling to maintain a bittersweet romance (Bregman, Golin, Gondry, & Kaufman, 2004). Clementine, an outgoing self-described “high-maintenance girl,” is the opposite of quiet, bookish Joel, who communicates more with his private journal than with her. Following a fight, Clementine impetuously visits a clinic that specializes in memory erasure and has Joel expunged from her mind. Despondent, Joel follows suit. But the two meet again and find themselves attracted to each other. Eventually discovering the truth—that they aren’t strangers at all but longtime lovers—they face a momentous decision: Do they invest the time and energy necessary to maintain their romance a second time, knowing that they failed so terribly before that they chose to destroy their memories? Or do they end it before their history of relational disaster can repeat itself?

Romantic relationships aren’t always about happiness and celebration. No matter how much you love your partner, you will still experience unpleasant moments, such as feeling irked, bored, or trapped. In fact, on any given day, 44 percent of us are likely to be seriously annoyed by a close relationship partner (Kowalski, Walker, Wilkinson, Queen, & Sharpe, 2003). Though such experiences are normal, many people find them disturbing and wonder whether they should end the relationship.

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As one way to work through this decision, familiarize yourself with the characteristics of couples whose relationship has survived—like my parents. Four factors, each of which we’ve discussed, appear to be most important in predicting survival of a romantic relationship. First is the degree to which the partners consider themselves “in love.” Couples are more likely to stay together if they think of themselves as in love, are considering marriage or a lifelong commitment, rate their relationship as high in closeness, or date each other exclusively (Hill et al., 1976). In Eternal Sunshine, this was the factor that eventually leads Joel and Clementine to decide to stay together: the realization that despite all they’ve suffered—including purging of their memories—they still love each other. Second is equity. Romantic relationships are happiest and most stable when the balance of giving and getting is equal for both partners (Hatfield et al., 1985). Third is similarity. Highly similar couples are more likely to stay together than couples who are dissimilar (Hill et al., 1976). Fourth is network support. A romance is more likely to endure when the couple’s social networks approve of the relationship (Felmlee, 2001; Parks & Adelman, 1983). To determine how well your relationship meets these criteria, ask yourself the following questions:

If you answer yes to these questions, your relationship may warrant investment in maintenance. But remember: deciding whether to maintain a struggling relationship or to let it go is a choice only you can make. Friends, family members, pop-culture relationship experts, and even textbooks can’t tell you when to keep or when to leave a romantic involvement. Romantic relationships are in many ways practical endeavors. Your decision to maintain or end a struggling romance should be based on a long-term forecast of your relationship. Stacking your relationship up against those four criteria can give you insight into whether your relationship has a solid foundation on which to invest further effort.