My students frequently comment that they can’t believe how relevant interpersonal communication scholarship is to their everyday lives. After all, we cover (and this book will discuss) self-esteem, jealousy, anger, conflict, betrayal, love, friendship, and healthy close relationships, to name just a few topics. Students often find themselves using this material to analyze everyone they know—driving roommates, lovers, family, and friends crazy in the process!

Of course, interest in interpersonal communication has existed since the dawn of recorded history. In fact, one of the earliest texts ever written—the maxims of the Egyptian sage Ptah Hotep (2200 B.C.E.)—was essentially a guidebook for enhancing interpersonal skills (Horne, 1917). Ptah Hotep encouraged people to be truthful, kind, and tolerant in their communication. He urged active listening, especially for situations in which people lack experience, because “to not do so is to embrace ignorance.” He also emphasized mindfulness in word choice, noting that “good words are more difficult to find than emeralds.”

DEFINING INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION

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Why has learning about interpersonal communication always been considered so valuable? Because knowledge of interpersonal skills is essential for maintaining healthy interpersonal relationships. For most people, having happy relationships with romantic partners, friends, family members, and coworkers is of the utmost importance (Myers, 2002).

The link that exists between relationships and interpersonal communication is clearly illustrated by our definition: interpersonal communication is a dynamic form of communication between two (or more) people in which the messages exchanged significantly influence their thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and relationships. This definition has four important implications. First, interpersonal communication differs from some other forms of communication—such as office memos, e-mail spam, and formal lectures or speeches—because it’s dynamic. That is, communication is constantly in motion and changing over time, unlike the carefully planned messages that dominate advertisements, professional journalism, and formal public speeches. For example, consider a Skype interaction you have with a sibling who lives overseas. The first few moments may be awkward or tense as you strive to reconnect with each other. This tension is reflected in long pauses between short sentences. Then one of you cracks a joke, and the whole exchange suddenly feels warmer. Just a few minutes later, as you realize you have to end the encounter, the conversation slows, and the mood shifts yet again to sadness and regret, as each of you tries to delay the inevitable disconnection.

Second, most interpersonal communication is transactional; both parties contribute to the meaning. For example, you and a romantic partner share an intimate dinner, jointly reminiscing about past times together and exchanging expressions of affection fluidly back and forth. But some interpersonal communication isn’t transactional. You know that your sister is feeling depressed over a breakup, so you send her a consoling text message in the middle of her workday. You don’t expect her to respond, and she doesn’t because she’s busy. There’s no feedback and no interplay between you and your sister. Instead, there is a sender (you), a message (your expression of support), and a receiver (your sister), making it a linear encounter, albeit an interpersonal one.

Third, interpersonal communication is primarily dyadic—it involves pairs of people, or dyads. You chat with your daughter while driving her to school, or you exchange a series of Facebook messages with a long-distance friend. Of course, some interpersonal communication may involve more than just two people. For instance, several family members converse at once while sitting around the dinner table, or a group of friends talk while enjoying an evening out. The dyadic nature of interpersonal communication allows us to distinguish it from intrapersonal communication—communication involving only one person, in the form of talking out loud to oneself or having a mental “conversation” inside one’s head.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, interpersonal communication creates impact: it changes participants’ thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and relationships. The impact on relationships is one of the most profound and unique effects created through interpersonal communication. When we interpersonally communicate, we forge meaningful bonds with others, easing the distance that naturally arises from differences between people. We don’t have to agree with everything another person says and does, but to communicate competently with others, we need to approach them with an open mind and a welcoming heart, affording them the same attention and respect we expect for ourselves. According to philosopher Martin Buber (1965), we then perceive our relationship with that person as I-Thou.

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In contrast, when we focus on our differences, refuse to accept or even acknowledge rival viewpoints as legitimate, and communicate in ways that emphasize our own supposed superiority over others, the distance between us and others increases to the point where it becomes impenetrable. As a consequence, we increasingly perceive our relationships as I-It: we regard other people as “objects which we observe, that are there for our use and exploitation” (Buber, 1965, p. 24). The more we view others as objects, the greater is the likelihood that we’ll communicate with them in disrespectful, manipulative, or exploitative ways. When we treat others this way, our relationships deteriorate.

Interpersonal communication contrasts sharply with impersonal communication—exchanges that have a negligible perceived impact on our thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and relationships. For example, you’re watching TV with your lover, and one of you casually comments on an advertisement that is annoying. Within most close relationships, at least some communication has this impersonal quality. But we can shift to interpersonal at a moment’s notice. A while after the ad commentary, you snuggle up to your partner and murmur, “I love you.” You’re rewarded by warm eye contact, a tender smile, and a gentle hug—all signs that your message has had a significant impact on your partner.

Highlighting the mental, emotional, behavioral, and relational impact of interpersonal communication reinforces the central theme of this text: the communication choices we make determine the personal, interpersonal, and relationship outcomes that follow. Through communicating interpersonally with others, you can change your own feelings and thoughts about both yourself and others; alter others’ opinions of you; cause heartbreak or happiness; incite hugs or hostility; and create, maintain, or dissolve relationships. This power makes your interpersonal communication choices critically important.

PRINCIPLES OF INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION

Now that you know the definition of interpersonal communication, we can expand our understanding of how it functions in our daily lives by looking at several principles suggested by scholars, based on decades of research and theory development. These principles are affirmed repeatedly throughout our text, and each one suggests practical insights into how you can improve your interpersonal communication choices, skills, and relationships.

Interpersonal Communication Conveys Both Content and Relationship Information During every interpersonal encounter, people simultaneously exchange two types of information (Watzlawick et al., 1967). Content information is the actual meaning of the words you utter. Relationship information consists of signals indicating how each of you views your relationship. These signals may indicate whether you consider yourself superior, equal, or inferior to the other person and whether you see the relationship as intimate, acquainted, or estranged.

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You convey content information directly through spoken or written words, but you communicate relationship information primarily through nonverbal cues. These cues can include vocal tone, pitch, and volume; facial expression and eye contact; hand gestures; position in relation to the listener; and posture. For instance, imagine that you’re FaceTiming with your mom about whether or not you’re coming home for Thanksgiving. She wants you to visit, but you’d rather stay at school and work the weekend to earn money. She says, “Everyone else in the family is coming, and so we hope you can make it, too,” with a friendly tone and welcoming smile. Now imagine the exact same situation—except this time she is frowning, using a loud and demanding voice, and pointing her finger at you. In both scenarios, the content information is identical—she uses exactly the same words—but very different relationship information is conveyed. In the first scenario, your mom indicates both equality and affection, suggesting a hopeful invitation. In the second, she communicates superiority and anger, implying criticism of your priorities and demanding your attendance.

Relationship information strongly influences how people interpret content information (Watzlawick et al., 1967). In the preceding example, you will likely look much more to your mom’s actions than her words in deciding how she feels about you and the relationship. During most interpersonal encounters, however, people aren’t consciously aware of the relationship information being delivered. You don’t usually sit there thinking, “Gee, what’s this person trying to convey to me about how she sees our relationship?” Relationship information becomes most obvious when it’s unexpected or when it suggests that the sender’s view of the relationship is different from the receiver’s. For example, a new acquaintance says something overly intimate to you, or a roommate starts ordering you around as if he’s your boss. When such events occur, we often experience annoyance or anxiety (“Who does he think he is?!”). That’s why it’s important to communicate relationship information in ways that are sensitive to and respectful of others’ impressions of the relationship while staying true to your own relationship feelings.

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Because relationship information influences how people interpret content information, it can be considered a specific form of meta-communication—communication about communication (Watzlawick et al., 1967). Meta-communication includes any message, verbal or nonverbal, that has as its central focus the meaning of communication—everything from discussion of previous comments (“I actually was joking when I sent you that text message”) to exchanged glances between friends questioning how a message should be interpreted (“What did he mean when he said that?”). During interpersonal encounters, meta-communication helps us understand each other’s communication, giving us additional guidance regarding how messages should be perceived.

Interpersonal Communication Can Be Intentional or Unintentional During interpersonal encounters, people attach meaning to nearly everything you say and do—whether you intend to send a message or not. Scholars express this as the axiom, “One cannot not communicate” (Watzlawick et al., 1967, p. 51). In most situations, you intend certain meanings, and people understand you. Sometimes, however, people read meanings into behaviors that you didn’t intend as communicative. In such instances, interpersonal communication has occurred, even though it was unintentional. For example, imagine that you greet a friend of yours, “Hey, how’s it going?” She greets you back, “Hi, good to see you!” So far so good—both messages were intentional, and both were interpreted correctly. But then, as your friend tells you about her new boyfriend, your contact lens gets displaced. It’s the third time it’s happened that day, so you sigh loudly in frustration and move your eyes to try to get it back into position. Your friend, seeing this, thinks you’re sighing and rolling your eyes as a message about her boyfriend, and gets angry, “Oh, so you disapprove of him? Why!?” Whether you like it or not, interpersonal communication has occurred, even though it was unintentional. To avoid such misunderstandings, keep this simple rule in mind: when you’re interacting with others, most of what you say and do will be perceived as communication.

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Interpersonal Communication Is Irreversible Every time you communicate interpersonally, you and the other person affect your future communication and the quality of your relationship. Take the way you answer your cell phone when your brother calls. The ringtone prompts you to look at the incoming number. Your warm and enthusiastic “Hi!” or terse “Yeah?” depends on how you feel about him. Your answer, in turn, influences how the caller responds. And his response further affects your next comment.

This interconnectedness of action makes all interpersonal communication irreversible. By tweeting, posting a message on someone’s Facebook timeline, sending a text, leaving a voice-mail message, or expressing a thought out loud during a face-to-face encounter, you set in motion the series of outcomes that follow. Simply put, once you’ve said something, you can’t take it back. This is why it’s important to think carefully before you communicate. Ask yourself, Is what I’m about to say going to lead to outcomes I want? If the answer is no, revise your message accordingly.

Interpersonal Communication Is Dynamic When you interact with others, your communication and all that influences it—perceptions, thoughts, feelings, and emotions—are constantly in flux. This has several practical implications. First, no two interactions with the same person will ever be identical. People with whom we once interacted effortlessly and joyfully can seem difficult to talk with during our next encounter. Those we once felt awkward around may become our closest confidants.

Second, no two moments within the same interaction will ever be identical. The complex combination of perceptions, thoughts, moods, and emotions that fuels our interpersonal communication choices is constantly changing. For instance, you meet your long-distance romantic partner at the airport, and for the first few minutes after reuniting you both feel joyous. But half an hour later, while driving home, you suddenly find yourselves at a loss for things to talk about. As the minutes pass, the tension increases as you both silently ponder, “What happened?”