No one is a perfect active listener all the time. At one time or another we all make errors during the listening process, fail to identify the right purpose for listening during an interpersonal encounter, or neglect to use the appropriate listening style. In previous sections of this chapter, we discussed ways to avoid such errors. But being an active listener also means systematically avoiding five notoriously incompetent types of listening.

SELECTIVE LISTENING

A colleague stops by your office to chat and shares exciting news: a coworker to whom you’re romantically attracted is similarly interested in you. As your thoughts become riveted on this revelation, the remainder of what he says fades from your awareness, including important information he shares with you about an upcoming project deadline.

Perhaps the greatest challenge to active listening is overcoming selective listening, taking in only those bits and pieces of information that are immediately salient during an interpersonal encounter and dismissing the rest. When we selectively listen, we rob ourselves of the opportunity to learn information from others that may affect important personal or professional outcomes, such as a missed project deadline.

Selective listening is difficult to avoid because it is the natural result of fluctuating attention and salience. To overcome selective listening, you shouldn’t strive to learn how to listen to everything all at once. Instead, seek to slowly and steadily broaden the range of information you can actively attend to during your encounters with others. The best way to do this is by improving your overall level of attention through practicing the techniques for enhancing attention discussed earlier in this chapter. Through these means, you boost your chances of noticing information that has important short- and long-term consequences for your personal and professional relationships.

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EAVESDROPPING

In Wuthering Heights, Emily Brontë’s classic tale of romance and vengeance, a major turning point occurs when Heathcliff eavesdrops on a conversation between his lover, Catherine, and Nelly, the story’s narrator. Heathcliff’s interpretation of Catherine’s comments cause him to abandon her, setting in motion a tragic series of events that lead to Catherine’s death:

We often assume that our conversations occur in isolation and that the people standing, sitting, or walking around the participants can’t hear the exchange. But they can. As sociologist Erving Goffman (1979) noted, the presence of other individuals within the auditory and visual range of a conversation should be considered the rule and not the exception. This is the case even with phone conversations, tweeting, e-mail, and texting. Most cell-phone conversations occur with others in the immediate proximity, and tweets, e-mail, and texting are no more secure than old-fashioned postcards.

When people intentionally and systematically set up situations so that they can listen to private conversations, they are eavesdropping (Goffman, 1979). People eavesdrop for a host of reasons: desire to find out if someone is sharing personally, professionally, or legally incriminating information; suspicion that others are talking behind their backs; or even simple curiosity. Eavesdropping is both inappropriate and unethical (hence, incompetent) because it robs others of their right to privacy and disrespects their decision to not share certain information with you. Perhaps not surprisingly, the social norms governing this behavior are powerful. If people believe that you eavesdropped on a conversation, they will typically be upset and angry, and they may threaten reprisals.

Eavesdropping can be personally damaging as well. People occasionally say spiteful or hurtful things that they don’t really mean simply to impress others, fit in, or draw attention to themselves. As the Wuthering Heights example illustrates, if you happen to eavesdrop on such conversations, the result can be personally and relationally devastating—especially if you take pieces of what you’ve heard out of context. The lesson is clear: don’t eavesdrop, no matter how tempting it might be.

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PSEUDO-LISTENING

You stayed up late the night before to finish a course paper, and when you finally got to bed, your apartment roommates were being so loud they kept you up most of the rest of the night. Now it’s the afternoon and you’re sitting in a warm and cozy coffeehouse, listening to your friend tell you a story she’s shared with you several times previously. Try as you might, you find yourself fading. But you don’t want to embarrass yourself or your friend, so you do your best to play the part of an active listener—maintaining good eye contact, nodding your head, and contributing appropriate responses when needed.

You’re engaging in pseudo-listening, behaving as if you’re paying attention though you’re really not. Pseudo-listening is obviously an ineffective way to listen because it prevents you from attending to or understanding information coming from the other person, so you can’t recall the encounter later. Pseudo-listening is also somewhat unethical because it’s deceptive. To be sure, occasional instances of pseudo-listening to veil fatigue or protect a friend’s feelings (such as in our example) are understandable. But if you continually engage in pseudo-listening during your encounters with others, eventually they will realize what’s going on and conclude that you’re dishonest or disrespectful. Consequently, pseudo-listening should be avoided.

AGGRESSIVE LISTENING

People who engage in aggressive listening (also called ambushing) attend to what others say solely to find an opportunity to attack their conversational partners. For example, your friend may routinely ask for your opinions regarding fashion and music, but then disparages your tastes when you share them with her. Or your romantic partner may encourage you to share your feelings, but then mocks your feelings when you do share them.

The personal, interpersonal, and relational costs of aggressive listening are substantial. People who consistently use listening to ambush others typically think less favorably about themselves (Infante & Wigley, 1986), experience lower marital satisfaction (Payne & Sabourin, 1990), and may experience more physical violence in their relationships (Infante, Chandler, & Rudd, 1989).

Some people engage in aggressive listening online. Known as provocateurs, they post messages designed solely to annoy others. They wait for people to post responses, and then they attack the responses. If the attacks of a provocateur are sophisticated enough, naïve group members may side with him or her against participants who seek to oust the instigator from the group. The result can be a flame war that prompts the site manager to shut down the discussion group—the ultimate victory for a provocateur.

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If you find yourself habitually listening in an aggressive fashion, combat this type of incompetent listening by discovering and dealing with the root causes of your aggression. Oftentimes, external pressures, such as job stress, relationship challenges, or family problems, can play a role, so be careful to consider all possible causes and solutions for your behavior. Don’t hesitate to seek professional assistance if you think it would be helpful. If you’re in a personal or professional relationship with someone who uses aggressive listening with you, deal with that person by following the recommendations for addressing verbal aggression outlined in Chapter 7. Limit your interactions when possible, be polite and respectful, and use a people-oriented listening style. Avoid retaliating by using aggressive listening yourself because it will only escalate the aggression.

NARCISSISTIC LISTENING

In Greek mythology, the beautiful nymph Echo falls in love with Narcissus immediately upon seeing him (Bulfinch, 1985). But when she approaches and moves to throw her arms around him, he recoils, telling her that he would rather die than be with her. Heartbroken, Echo flees to the mountains and plots her revenge. She casts a spell on Narcissus, making him fall in love with his own reflected image in a pool. Upon seeing the enchanted image, Narcissus can’t tear himself away. He abandons all thought of food and rest, and gazes at himself, entranced, until he finally dies of starvation.

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Like its namesake in Greek mythology, narcissistic listening is self-absorbed listening: the perpetrator ignores what others have to say and redirects the conversation to him- or herself and his or her own interests. People who engage in narcissistic listening provide positive feedback as long as they are the center of conversational attention, but the moment the topic switches to something other than them, they give negative feedback. In some cases, the negative feedback may be extreme—narcissistic listeners may pout, whine, or even throw tantrums when the conversation switches away from them and onto the other person (Bushman & Baumeister, 1998). To avoid narcissistic listening, allow the conversation to focus on topics other than you and your own interests and offer positive feedback when such topics are discussed.