KEY ELEMENTS OF ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS

We know that loving differs from liking and that people experience different types of love. But what exactly does it mean to have a romantic relationship? A romantic relationship is a chosen interpersonal involvement forged through communication in which the participants perceive the bond as romantic. Six elements of romantic relationships underlie this definition.

Perception A romantic relationship exists whenever the two partners perceive that it does. As perceptions change, so, too, does the relationship. For example, a couple may consider their relationship “casual dating” but still define it as “romantic” (rather than friendly). Or, a long-term couple may feel more companionate than passionate but still consider themselves “in love.” If two partners’ perceptions of their relationship differ—for example, one person feels romantic and the other does not—they do not have a romantic relationship (Miller & Steinberg, 1975).

Diversity Romantic relationships exhibit remarkable diversity in the ages and genders of the partners, as well as in their ethnic and religious backgrounds and sexual orientations. Yet despite this diversity, most relationships function in a similar manner. For example, whether a romantic relationship is between lesbian, gay, or straight partners, the individuals involved place the same degree of importance on their relationship, devote similar amounts of time and energy to maintaining their bond, and demonstrate similar openness in their communication (Haas & Stafford, 2005). The exact same factors that determine marital success between men and women (e.g., honesty, loyalty, commitment, and dedication to maintenance) also predict stability and satisfaction within same-sex couples (Kurdek, 2005). As relationship scholar Sharon Brehm sums up, gay and lesbian couples “fall in love in the same way, feel the same passions, experience the same doubts, and feel the same commitments as straights” (Brehm, Miller, Perlman, & Campbell, 2002, p. 27).

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Choice We enter into romantic relationships through choice, selecting not only with whom we initiate involvements but also whether and how we maintain these bonds. Contrary to widespread belief, love doesn’t “strike us out of the blue” or “sweep us away.” Choice plays a role even in arranged marriages: the spouses’ families and social networks select an appropriate partner, and in many cases the betrothed retain at least some control over whether the choice is acceptable (Hendrick & Hendrick, 1992).

Commitment Romantic relationships often involve commitment: a strong psychological attachment to a partner and an intention to continue the relationship long into the future (Arriaga & Agnew, 2001). When you forge a commitment with a partner, positive outcomes often result. Commitment leads couples to work harder on maintaining their relationships, resulting in greater satisfaction (Rusbult, Arriaga, & Agnew, 2001). Commitment also reduces the likelihood that partners will cheat sexually when separated by geographic distance (Le, Korn, Crockett, & Loving, 2010).

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Although men are stereotyped in the media as “commitment-phobic,” this stereotype is false. Both men and women view commitment as an important part of romantic relationships (Miller, 2014). Several studies even suggest that men often place a higher value on commitment than do women. For example, when asked which they would choose if forced to decide between a committed romance and an important job opportunity, more men than women chose the relationship (Mosher & Danoff-Burg, 2007). Men also score higher than women on measures of commitment in college dating relationships (Kurdek, 2008). These trends aren’t new. Throughout fifty years of research, men have consistently reported more of a desire for marriage than have women and described “desire for a committed relationship” as more of a motivation for dating (Rubin, Peplau, & Hill, 1981).

Tensions When we’re involved in intimate relationships, we often experience competing impulses, or tensions, between ourselves and our feelings toward others, known as relational dialectics (Baxter, 1990). Relational dialectics take three common forms. The first is openness versus protection. As relationships become more intimate, we naturally exchange more personal information with our partners. Most of us enjoy the feeling of unity and mutual insight created through such sharing. But while we want to be open with our partners, we also want to keep certain aspects of our selves—such as our most private thoughts and feelings—protected. Too much openness provokes an uncomfortable sense that we’ve lost our privacy and must share everything with our lovers.

The second dialectic is autonomy versus connection. We elect to form romantic relationships largely out of a desire to bond with other human beings. Yet if we come to feel so connected to our partners that our individual identity seems to dissolve, we may choose to pull back and reclaim some of our autonomy.

The final dialectic is the clash between our need for stability and our need for excitement and change—known as novelty versus predictability. We all like the security that comes with knowing how our partners will behave, how we’ll behave, and how our relationships will unfold. Romances are more successful when the partners behave in predictable ways that reduce uncertainty (Berger & Bradac, 1982). However, predictability often spawns boredom. As we get to know our partners, the novelty and excitement of the relationship wears off, and things seem increasingly monotonous. Reconciling the desire for predictability with the need for novelty is one of the most profound emotional challenges facing partners in romantic relationships.

Communication Romantic involvements, like all interpersonal relationships, are forged through interpersonal communication. By interacting with others online, over the phone, and face-to-face, we build a variety of relationships—some of which blossom into romantic love. And once love is born, we use interpersonal communication to foster and maintain it.