Chapter 1. Dealing with a Difficult Friend

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Dealing with a Difficult Friend

Activity Objective:

In this activity, you will create your own solution to a difficult relationship problem. You will walk step-by-step through a realistic scenario—critically self-reflecting, considering another person’s perspective, determining best outcomes, and identifying potential roadblocks—and make decisions about how to react.

Communicating competently is challenging, especially when close relationship partners provoke us. When problematic encounters happen online, it makes dealing with them even more difficult. Read the case study in Part 2; then, drawing on all you know about interpersonal communication thus far, work through the problem-solving model in Part 3.

Kaitlyn, Cort, and you have been best friends for years. The three of you are inseparable, and people joke that you’re more like triplets than friends. After high school, you and Cort become college housemates. Kaitlyn can’t afford tuition yet, so she stays in your hometown to work and save money. Despite the distance, the three of you stay in daily contact.

Recently, however, things have changed. Kaitlyn has been hanging out with people you consider shady. She’s been drinking heavily and boasting about her all-night binges. You try to be supportive, but you’re worried.

You awake one Sunday to find that one of Kaitlyn’s new friends has tagged her in a series of Facebook photos documenting their latest party adventure. Kaitlyn has added a comment that reads, “A new low is reached—I LUV it!!” Surfing through the pictures, you see Kaitlyn drinking until she passes out. Several photos show her friends laughing and posing with her while she’s unconscious. In one image, they’ve drawn a smiley face on her forehead with a Sharpie. Looking at these photos, you’re heartsick with humiliation for your friend. Why would Kaitlyn hang with people like that? But you also can’t understand why she would comment on these pictures rather than insist on having them deleted. What if her family saw them? or her employers? You e-mail her, telling her she should have the photos deleted and saying that you’re worried about her behavior and her choice of new friends. She doesn’t respond.

That night, you’re studying with Cort. When Cort steps out to get some food, a message alert sounds on his phone. It’s a text from Kaitlyn. You know you shouldn’t read it, but your curiosity gets the best of you. It’s a rage message, in which Kaitlyn blasts you for prying into her business, for judging her, for thinking you’re better than her, and for telling her what to do. It’s personal, profane, and very insulting.

You feel sick to your stomach. You love Kaitlyn, but you’re also furious with her. How could she say such horrible things when all you were trying to do was help? As you sit there stewing, another text to Cort from Kaitlyn comes in. “Where r u? Text me back! I want to talk w/ u about our nosy, o-so-perfect friend!”

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Think about all you’ve learned thus far about interpersonal communication. Then work through the following five steps. Remember, there are no “right” answers, so think hard about what is the best choice!

Question

Watch this video in which Kaitlyn tells her side of the case study story. As in many real-life situations, this is information to which you did not have access when you were initially crafting your response in Part 3. The video reminds us that even when we do our best to offer competent responses, there always is another side to the story that we need to consider.

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Think about the new information offered in Kaitlyn’s side of the story and all you’ve learned about interpersonal communication. Drawing upon this knowledge, revisit your earlier responses in Part 3 and assess your own interpersonal communication competence.

Question

Step 2: Evaluate Effectiveness

Being an effective interpersonal communicator means using your communication to accomplish self-presentational, instrumental, and relational goals. How effective was your response in dealing with the situation, helping to sustain and improve your relationship with Kaitlyn, and presenting yourself as a good friend? Rate your effectiveness on a scale of 1 to 7, where “1” is least effective and “7” is most effective.

Step 3: Evaluate Ethics

Being an ethical communicator means treating others with respect, honesty, and kindness. Given this, how ethical was your response to Kaitlyn? Rate your ethics on a scale of 1 to 7, where “1” is least ethical and “7” is most ethical.

Step 4: What Would You Do Differently?