Chapter 1. Struggling with Family Transitions

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Struggling with Family Transitions

Activity Objective:

In this activity, you will create your own solution to a difficult relationship problem. You will walk step-by-step through a realistic scenario—critically self-reflecting, considering another person’s perspective, determining best outcomes, and identifying potential roadblocks—and make decisions about how to react.

One of the biggest challenges family members face is transitioning from a family to a stepfamily. To understand how you might competently manage such a relationship challenge, read the case study in Part 2; then, drawing on all you know about interpersonal communication, work through the problem-solving model in Part 3.

Your parents married young, and it was a bad match. Your dad is cold, authoritarian, and a strict disciplinarian. You respect and fear him more than you love him. In contrast, your mom is affectionate and outgoing. She’s your principal source of emotional support, and the two of you are very close.

During your childhood, your dad dominated the family. His decisions were law, and family discussions were rare. Your parents fought constantly over his need for control, and your mom eventually divorced him and gained custody.

Despite the divorce, your dad continued to believe that the family would someday reunite. This fantasy was shattered when your mom married Stephan. Stephan is the opposite of your dad; he is open, funny, and kind. He places enormous value on talking things through as a family and welcomes your opinion, even when it differs from his. Slowly you adjust to having a diversity of views encouraged and your opinion valued. You come to adore Stephan, and relish the warm, witty, and varied discussions of your stepfamily.

Your dad remains bitter about your mom’s remarriage. He constantly mocks Stephan in e-mails to you. He also plies you for personal information about your mother and her marriage. You feel like a spy. When you tell your mom about your dad’s prying, she is furious, and a huge fight erupts between them. The tension is resolved when you leave for college because your parents cease contact with each other.

You’re home for the weekend, visiting your dad. When the topic of your mom arises, your dad stuns you by confessing that he still loves her. He says he realizes now that they will never be together, and he blames Stephan for “ruining everything!” He demands that you choose between him and Stephan. He threatens to move away and sever ties with you unless you cut off contact with Stephan, saying, “Knowing you’ve replaced me with another father reminds me of all I’ve lost!” Later, when you call your mom and tell her what happened, she says, “Good! He should leave. I know I’m happier without him in my life. You will be, too!” The next day, your dad shoots you a text, asking whether you’ve made a decision yet.

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Think about all you’ve learned thus far about interpersonal communication. Then work through the following five steps. Remember, there are no “right” answers, so think hard about what is the best choice!

Question

Watch this video in which your dad tells his side of the case study story. As in many real-life situations, this is information to which you did not have access when you were initially crafting your response in Part 3. The video reminds us that even when we do our best to offer competent responses, there always is another side to the story that we need to consider.

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Think about the new information offered in your dad’s side of the story and all you’ve learned about interpersonal communication. Drawing upon this knowledge, revisit your earlier responses in Part 3 and assess your own interpersonal communication competence.

Question

Step 2: Evaluate Effectiveness

Being an effective interpersonal communicator means using your communication to accomplish self-presentational, instrumental, and relational goals. How effective was your response in dealing with the situation, helping to sustain and improve your relationship with your dad, and presenting yourself as a supportive family member? Rate your effectiveness on a scale of 1 to 7, where “1” is least effective and “7” is most effective.

Step 3: Evaluate Ethics

Being an ethical communicator means treating others with respect, honesty, and kindness. Given this, how ethical was your response to your dad? Rate your ethics on a scale of 1 to 7, where “1” is least ethical and “7” is most ethical.

Step 4: What Would You Do Differently?