Chapter 1. Supporting a Gender Nonconforming Friend

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Supporting a Gender Nonconforming Friend

Activity Objective:

In this activity, you will create your own solution to a difficult relationship problem. You will walk step-by-step through a realistic scenario—critically self-reflecting, considering another person’s perspective, determining best outcomes, and identifying potential roadblocks—and make decisions about how to react.

People who don’t neatly fit into established gender categories often experience extreme pressure to conform. To explore how you might deal with such pressure when it’s faced by a friend, read the case study in Part 2; then, drawing on all you know about interpersonal communication, work through the problem-solving model in Part 3.

Derek and Daniel have been your neighbors and best friends practically since birth. Although the brothers are only two years different in age—Derek being the older—they’re galaxies apart in personalities and interests. Derek is a fanatical athlete who prides himself on “toughness.” He was always the best player of any team in little league, and set high school records in multiple sports. Daniel couldn’t be more different. Soft-spoken and gentle, he’s a brilliant artist and has never shown any interest in athletics—putting him at odds with his entire family.

Although you are close with both brothers, tension between the two of them has steadily increased over the years. You blame Derek, as he has always picked on Daniel. When they were young, it was mostly teasing: Derek put Daniel in wrestling holds, calling him a “sissy” when he cried, or mock him for his “girly” interests in fashion, theatre, and art. As they aged, the teasing morphed into bullying. Once when you and Daniel were younger and playing “theatre,” Daniel put on his mother’s makeup. When Derek saw him, he put him in a headlock, dragged him to the bathroom, and forcefully scrubbed his face with soap. You’ll never forget the pained look in Daniel’s eyes when Derek repeatedly shouted, “Boys don’t wear makeup!” It’s been a little better since you and Derek left for college, but Daniel is having a tough time being the only one still at home.

You’re visiting your family for the weekend, when you get a text from Daniel: “Please help!” Rushing outside, you hear shouting coming from their house. Just then, Daniel rushes out and runs up to you. He is disheveled and crying uncontrollably. “My life is a living hell— I’m leaving!” he sobs. You try to comfort him, but it’s no use. “I have a friend who’s putting me up for awhile, so I can finish school, but after that who knows,” he says. “Don’t tell them! I have to get away from him!” And he jumps into his car and leaves.

Furious with Derek, you storm over to their house, only to be met by Derek on their porch, looking tired and angry, but also sad. “Oh great!” he sarcastically shouts, “This is just the icing on the cake of my weekend! If you know what’s good for you, you’ll turn around and go back to your house, NOW!”

What would you say to Derek?

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Think about all you’ve learned thus far about interpersonal communication. Then work through the following five steps. Remember, there are no “right” answers, so think hard about what is the best choice!

Question

Visit LaunchPad to watch a video in which Derek tells his side of the case study story. As in many real-life situations, this is information to which you did not have access when you were initially crafting your response in Part 3. The video reminds us that even when we do our best to offer competent responses, there is always another side to the story that we need to consider.

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Think about the new information offered in Derek’s side of the story and all you’ve learned about interpersonal communication. Drawing upon this knowledge, revisit your earlier responses in Part 3 and assess your own interpersonal communication competence.

Question

Step 2: Evaluate Effectiveness

Being an effective interpersonal communicator means using your communication to accomplish self-presentational, instrumental, and relational goals. Rate your effectiveness on a scale of 1 to 7, where “1” is least effective and “7” is most effective.

Step 3: Evaluate Ethics

Being an ethical communicator means treating others with respect, honesty, and kindness. Rate your ethics on a scale of 1 to 7, where “1” is least ethical and “7” is most ethical.

Step 4: What Would You Do Differently?