Chapter 1. Managing Jealousy about a Partner’s Ex

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Managing Jealousy about a Partner’s Ex

Activity Objective:

In this activity, you will create your own solution to a difficult relationship problem. You will walk step-by-step through a realistic scenario—critically self-reflecting, considering another person’s perspective, determining best outcomes, and identifying potential roadblocks—and make decisions about how to react.

Dealing with jealousy in a romantic relationship is challenging, but it becomes even more so when the relationship is rather volatile and you’re unsure about your partner’s level of commitment. To understand how you might competently manage such a relationship challenge, read the case study in Part 2; then, drawing on all you know about interpersonal communication, work through the problem-solving model in Part 3.

Your relationship with Javi is the most passionate you’ve ever had, and you consider yourself head-over-heels in love. You two share a powerful sexual connection, fueled in part by the fact that Javi is extremely physically attractive.

On the down side, Javi is undeniably high-maintenance. Although affectionate and funny, Javi has a volatile temper. You’ve learned the hard way that if you raise an issue that Javi perceives as problematic, huge drama with lots of yelling, and then sulking, is likely to ensue. More concerning, however, is Javi’s flirtatiousness. Javi loves being the center of attention and frequently flirts with others, sometimes right in front of you. Javi also sends mixed signals about commitment, saying “I love you!” one day and “I hope you’re not getting too serious on me!” the next.

Your friends think Javi is “ridiculously hot.” They also think Javi is “trouble.” Nevertheless, you’re happy with your relationship because you’ve never experienced this intensity of connection before, and you think Javi may actually be your soul mate.

Recently, a few incidents have sparked worry. Javi didn’t return any of your texts one night and afterwards said, “My phone battery was dead.” The thing is, you borrowed Javi’s phone earlier that evening and it was fully charged. There also have been instances in which Javi’s phone has gone off but Javi either ignored it or said, “It’s a solicitor.” You know this latter excuse is bogus because Javi is on a do-not-call list.

Tonight, you and Javi are having fun at a party, when Javi’s ex, Pau, shows up. Although you’re jealous, you tell Javi that it’s fine to talk to Pau because you’re busy with your own friends. You keep an eye on the two of them, however, and sure enough, after a few minutes, you see them flirting. Your jealousy escalates as you see them sitting close together and laughing like they’re still a couple! What’s more, they can’t seem to keep their hands off each other. Although the touches are all technically friendly and innocent, they imply a degree of intimacy that further fuels your jealousy.

As you two are driving back to your apartment, you’re fuming about Javi and Pau. Noticing your demeanor, Javi explodes: “You know, you can be really annoying sometimes! You tell me to talk to Pau, and then you get all mad when I do! What’s your problem?”

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Think about all you’ve learned thus far about interpersonal communication. Then work through the following five steps. Remember, there are no “right” answers, so think hard about what is the best choice!

Question

Watch this video that exposes you to Javi’s side of the case study story. As in many real-life situations, this is information to which you did not have access when you were initially crafting your response to Javi in Part 3. The video reminds us that even when we do our best to offer competent responses, there always is another side to the story that we need to consider.

Click here to watch your boyfriend Javi explain his side of the story.

Click here to watch your girlfriend Javi explain her side of the story.

After you have watched one of the two videos to see Javi’s side of the story, please continue to the next slide.

Activity results are being submitted...

Think about the new information offered in Javi’s side of the story and all you’ve learned about interpersonal communication. Drawing upon this knowledge, revisit your earlier responses in Part 3 and assess your own interpersonal communication competence.

Question

Step 2: Evaluate Effectiveness

Being an effective interpersonal communicator means using your communication to accomplish self-presentational, instrumental, and relational goals. How effective was your response in dealing with the situation? Rate your effectiveness on a scale of 1 to 7, where “1” is least effective and “7” is most effective.

Step 3: Evaluate Ethics

Being an ethical communicator means treating others with respect, honesty, and kindness. Given this, how ethical was your response to Javi? Rate your ethics on a scale of 1 to 7, where “1” is least ethical and “7” is most ethical.

Step 4: What Would You Do Differently?