Chapter 1. Dealing with Mixed Messages

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Dealing with Mixed Messages

Activity Objective:

In this activity, you will create your own solution to a difficult relationship problem. You will walk step-by-step through a realistic scenario—critically self-reflecting, considering another person’s perspective, determining best outcomes, and identifying potential roadblocks—and make decisions about how to react.

Receiving mixed messages—when verbal and nonverbal communication clash—is a common dilemma in relationships. To explore ways to deal with mixed messages, read the case study in Part 2; then, drawing on all you know about interpersonal communication, work through the problem-solving model in Part 3.

You, Dakota, and Tad are good friends. On the occasions that the three of you are not hanging out together, you’re in touch through text messages, Instagram, and so on. Despite your collective closeness, romance has never arisen. This is partly because the three of you have always been involved with other people.

Over the past six months, however, you’ve all been through breakups. In the wake of this, things have started to get weird. It began a few weeks ago, when the three of you met for lunch. Dakota was all dressed up, and when you asked, “What’s the occasion?” she was evasive. She kept leaning toward Tad, making extensive eye contact, smiling, touching his arm and leg (although each instance seemed accidental), and even suggested that she and he take more classes together next semester. You’re pleased because you like the two of them immensely and think they’d make a good couple. Tad, however, seems completely clueless, which is not surprising; it has long been a joke between the three of you that Tad can’t tell when someone is hitting on him.

After lunch, you corner Tad and say, “Dakota is totally crushing on you!” Tad is shocked and adamantly denies it. He is so persuasive that you begin to doubt your own observations. You decide to e-mail Dakota. The two of you have always been honest and open with each other, so you tell Dakota what you saw. She responds with a teasing, “As if I’d ever crush on Tad ;)!” Now you’re really confused.

In the days that follow, you increasingly sense that Dakota wants a romantic involvement with Tad. Everything about her nonverbal communication suggests intimacy. But whenever you raise the issue, Dakota denies it, responding, “You’ve got an overactive imagination.” You start getting irked by the mixed messages. Are you really imagining things? Should you push her to tell you the truth? Making matters worse, Tad has finally clued in to her behavior, and he confides to you that although he’s worried about getting burned again (his breakup with his ex, Jessica, was ugly), he is starting to fall for Dakota.

Later that evening, you get a call from Dakota. After chatting for a few minutes, the issue of Tad comes up. Dakota says, “I know I’ve been dodging your questions about Tad, but . . . do you think he likes me?”

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Think about all you’ve learned thus far about interpersonal communication. Then work through the following five steps. Remember, there are no “right” answers, so think hard about what is the best choice!

Question

Watch this video in which Dakota tells her side of the case study story. As in many real-life situations, this is information to which you did not have access when you were initially crafting your response in Part 3. The video reminds us that even when we do our best to offer competent responses, there always is another side to the story that we need to consider.

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Think about the new information offered in Dakota’s side of the story and all you’ve learned about interpersonal communication. Drawing upon this knowledge, revisit your Part 3 response to Dakota, and assess your own interpersonal communication competence.

Question

Step 2: Evaluate Effectiveness

Being an effective interpersonal communicator means using your communication to accomplish self-presentational, instrumental, and relational goals. How effective was your response in dealing with the situation and presenting yourself as a good friend to both Tad and Dakota? Rate your effectiveness on a scale of 1 to 7, where “1” is least effective and “7” is most effective.

Step 3: Evaluate Ethics

Being an ethical communicator means treating others with respect, honesty, and kindness. Given this, how ethical was your response to Dakota? Rate your ethics on a scale of 1 to 7, where “1” is least ethical and “7” is most ethical.

Step 4: What Would You Do Differently?