Chapter 1. Dealing with Family Conflict

280

Dealing with Family Conflict

Activity Objective:

In this activity, you will create your own solution to a difficult relationship problem. You will walk step-by-step through a realistic scenario—critically self-reflecting, considering another person’s perspective, determining best outcomes, and identifying potential roadblocks—and make decisions about how to react.

Conflict poses complex challenges for interpersonal communication and relationships. Parental expectations, power differences between generations, and the emotional connections within families can make matters even more complex. To understand how you might competently manage such a relationship challenge, read the case study in Part 2; then, drawing on all you know about interpersonal communication, work through the problem-solving model in Part 3.

Your parents are old school in their views of parental power: they believe that children should always show deference to elders. Although you’re still in college, your brother, Sanjay, is much older and has a family of his own, including a teenage son, Devdas. You have always gotten along well with Devdas, but he has recently been going through a rebellious phase in which he shows little respect for adults, including you. During a recent visit, Devdas was sprawled on the sofa all afternoon, playing video games on the big screen. You asked if you could watch a movie, and he snapped, “Find your own &*$%# TV!” You did not mention this incident to the rest of your family in order to avoid escalating the issue.

Your parents decide to spend a week with Sanjay and his family. You’re nervous because your mother delights in picking on Devdas about his hair, clothing, and music, and given Devdas’s recent attitude, you’re afraid he may strike back. Sure enough, toward the end of the week, you get a phone call from your mother, telling you that she and your father ended their visit early and that she wishes no further contact with your brother or his family. She says that Devdas “swore at her for no reason at all.” She says, “I have no interest in associating with children who behave like that.” Shortly after, you get a text from your brother. He says that your mother is delusional and “made the whole thing up.” When you ask whether Devdas might have sworn at your mom, your brother fires back, “Absolutely not! Devdas doesn’t even know such words!!!” Since you weren’t a witness to the encounter, you try to stay neutral.

As the weeks go by, the rift deepens. Devdas refuses to talk about the issue at all, even with you or his parents. Your mother refuses contact with her grandson until he “admits his wrongdoing!”

Now, with the holidays approaching, you receive an e-mail from your parents. They demand that you side with them, saying, “If you continue to support Devdas in this shameful matter, we will be forced to rethink our financial support for your education.” Sitting down at your computer, you write back a message.

281

Think about all you’ve learned thus far about interpersonal communication. Then work through the following five steps. Remember, there are no “right” answers, so think hard about what is the best choice!

Question

Watch this video in which Devdas tells his side of the case study story. As in many real-life situations, this is information to which you did not have access when you were initially crafting your response to your mother in Part 3. The video reminds us that even when we do our best to offer competent responses, there always is another side to the story that we need to consider.

Activity results are being submitted...

Think about the new information offered in Devdas’s side of the story and all you’ve learned about interpersonal communication. Drawing upon this knowledge, revisit your earlier responses in Part 3 and assess your own interpersonal communication competence.

Question

Step 2: Evaluate Effectiveness

Being an effective interpersonal communicator means using your communication to accomplish self-presentational, instrumental, and relational goals. How effective was your response in dealing with the situation, helping to sustain and improve the relationship between your mother and Devdas, and presenting yourself in a positive light? Rate your effectiveness on a scale of 1 to 7, where “1” is least effective and “7” is most effective.

Step 3: Evaluate Ethics

Being an ethical communicator means treating others with respect, honesty, and kindness. Given this, how ethical was your response to your mother? Rate your ethics on a scale of 1 to 7, where “1” is least ethical and “7” is most ethical.

Step 4: What Would You Do Differently?