Outline
Introduction
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Chapter 1. Choosing between Friends

Introduction

Making Relationship Choices
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You must read each slide, and complete any questions on the slide, in sequence.

Choosing between Friends

Activity Objective:

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In this activity, you will create your own solution to a difficult relationship problem. You will walk step-by-step through a realistic scenario—critically self-reflecting, considering another person’s perspective, determining best outcomes, and identifying potential roadblocks—and make decisions about how to react.

Click the forward and backward arrows to navigate through the slides. You may also click the above outline button to see an overview of all the slides in this activity.

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Maintaining friendships can be challenging. But when a close friend changes in ways that put her at odds with your other friends, you may be forced to choose between them. To understand how you might competently manage such a relationship challenge, read the case study in Part 2; then, drawing on all you know about interpersonal communication, work through the problem-solving model in Part 3.

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For years you’ve hung around with the same group of friends. Your ringleader is Karina. She’s brilliant and beautiful. She always dresses immaculately, with perfect hair, nails, and makeup. She has a caustic wit and enjoys mocking other people’s fashion sense.

But Karina has another side: she is deeply caring. When your Mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer, your other friends avoided visiting. Not Karina. She hung out with your Mom for hours, cracking jokes and sharing funny YouTube videos. After your mother died, it was Karina who supported you in your grief.

One night, Karina gathers everyone together and announces, “Guess what!? I’m joining the Peace Corps!” Your friend John breaks the bewildered silence by joking, “Yeah, right! Who’s gonna do your nails!?” Everyone laughs except Karina. She’s serious.

Karina serves for two years as a youth development coordinator in Malawi. You hear from her occasionally through e-mail. She shares with you the difficulties of her assignments, the kindness of the people, and the beauty of the landscape. During her absence, you remain close to your other friends—partying, shopping, and taking classes together.

Then Karina is back! Meeting her at the airport, you’re staggered by her appearance. She has lost 20 pounds and wears no makeup. She is unusually quiet, and, as time passes, it’s clear that Karina has changed. Gone is the glam girl who tossed nasty and hilarious remarks at people. Instead, she is thoughtful and pensive. Rather than partying or shopping, she spends her free time volunteering at a homeless shelter.

You’re not sure what to make of her. On the one hand, she’s a nicer person than before and always available for support. On the other hand, she is so serious all the time! And she seems really uncomfortable around your other friends. Does she still care about you? Is she still interested in being your friend?

Although you’re on the fence, your friends are unanimous: they can’t stand the “new” Karina. One night John hosts a party, and Karina again opts to skip. The gathering quickly devolves into a “hate on Karina” fest. One by one, everyone vents their dislike of her “ugly new look” and how “quiet and boring she is.” Everyone (except you) agrees the time has come to cut her from the group. You remain silent until John notices and asks, “You’re awfully quiet. What do you think?”

Think about all you’ve learned thus far about interpersonal communication. Then work through the following five steps. Remember, there are no “right” answers, so think hard about what is the best choice!

Step 1: Reflect on yourself.

What are your thoughts and feelings in this situation? What attributions are you making about Karina? about John and your other friends? Are your attributions accurate? Why or why not?

Step 2: Reflect on your partner.

Using perspective-taking and empathic concern, put yourself in Karina’s shoes. Do the same for John and your other friends. What are they thinking and feeling in this situation?

Step 3: Identify the optimal outcome.

Think about all the information you have about your communication and relationships with both Karina and your other friends. Consider your own feelings as well as everyone else’s. Given all these factors, what’s the best, most constructive relationship outcome possible? Consider what’s best for you and for Karina and the others.

Step 4: Locate the roadblocks.

Taking into consideration your own and Karina’s thoughts and feelings, those of your other friends, and all that has happened in this situation, what obstacles are keeping you from achieving the optimal outcome?

Step 5: Chart your course.

What can you say to John to overcome the roadblocks you’ve identified and achieve your optimal outcome?

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Watch this video in which Karina tells her side of the case study story. As in many real-life situations, this is information to which you did not have access when you were initially crafting your response to John in Part 3. The video reminds us that even when we do our best to offer competent responses, there always is another side to the story that we need to consider.

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Think about the new information offered in Karina’s side of the story and all you’ve learned about interpersonal communication. Drawing upon this knowledge, revisit your earlier responses in Part 3 and assess your own interpersonal communication competence.

Step 1: Evaluate Appropriateness

Being an appropriate interpersonal communicator means matching your communication to situational, relational, and cultural expectations regarding how people should communicate. How appropriate was your response to John, given the situation and your relationship with Karina? Rate your appropriateness on a scale of 1 to 7, where “1” is least appropriate and “7” is most appropriate.


Step 2: Evaluate Effectiveness

Being an effective interpersonal communicator means using your communication to accomplish self-presentational, instrumental, and relational goals. How effective was your response to John in dealing with the situation, helping to sustain and improve your relationship with Karina, and presenting yourself as a good friend? Rate your effectiveness on a scale of 1 to 7, where “1” is least effective and “7” is most effective.


Step 3: Evaluate Ethics

Being an ethical communicator means treating others with respect, honesty, and kindness. Given this, how ethical was your response to John? Rate your ethics on a scale of 1 to 7, where “1” is least ethical and “7” is most ethical.


Step 4: What Would You Do Differently?

In the real world, there are no “take-backs” or “do-overs.” But part of learning interpersonal communication competence is working to improve your message strategies for dealing with complicated relationship situations. Knowing all that you now know, would you communicate differently to John than you did before? If so, write a new message to John below. If not, just write “the same” in the box to stick with your initial response.

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Congratulations! You have completed this activity and become a more competent communicator in the process. How can you apply what you’ve learned to your real-life interpersonal encounters?