Chapter 1. Managing Anger and Providing Support
Introduction
Introduction
Managing Anger and Providing Support
Activity Objective:
In this activity, you will create your own solution to a difficult relationship problem. You will walk step-by-step through a realistic scenario—critically self-reflecting, considering another person’s perspective, determining best outcomes, and identifying potential roadblocks—and make decisions about how to react.
Click the forward and backward arrows to navigate through the slides. You may also click the above outline button to see an overview of all the slides in this activity.
1.1 1 Background
Managing your anger and providing supportive communication are two skills that can clash when you’re trying to support someone who is making you angry. To understand how you might competently manage such a relationship challenge, read the case study in Part 2; then, drawing on all you know about interpersonal communication, work through the problem-solving model in Part 3.
1.2 2 Case Study
You’re the oldest sibling in a close family in which everyone freely expresses their emotions. Of all your siblings, you share an especially close bond with Sam, the youngest. When Sam accepts a scholarship out of state, you’re sad to see him go, but you’re excited for his future and take comfort in the daily texts you exchange.
Shortly after Sam moves away, your grandmother (Nana) has a heart attack. Doctors initially think she will make a full recovery, so you text Sam and tell him not to worry. However, her condition suddenly worsens, and she passes away. Everyone is grief-stricken, but Sam is devastated. He is the only one in your immediate family who didn’t see her before she died.
When Sam arrives for the funeral, he seems sullen and bitter. But so much is going on that you don’t get a chance to talk with him at length. Before you know it, he has left. Following the funeral, Sam rebuffs your attempts to communicate with him. He doesn’t return your texts, and after several messages he finally e-mails you, “leave me alone!” You become increasingly worried about how he is dealing with his grief. You leave Sam a voice mail telling him that you’re coming to visit. Despite receiving no response, you go anyway.
Arriving after several hours of grueling travel, you are shocked to find Sam unwelcoming. Scowling, he says, “What are you doing here? I thought I told you to leave me alone.” You start getting angry. After all, you spent a good portion of your savings to get there, and you made the trip out of love and concern. As you try to manage your anger by using the Jefferson strategy, Sam attacks: “Oh, I get it. This is the big ‘ease your conscience’ trip. You figure that if you comfort me, I’ll feel better about you lying to me about Nana’s condition. Well, it’s not going to work. I didn’t get to see her before she died, and it’s your fault, so why don’t you take your self-serving concern and go home!” He slams the door in your face.
You’re left standing on the porch, furious. Do you make the several-hour trip home, heeding Sam’s request even though you know he said it out of anger? Or do you pursue your original plan of trying to help Sam deal with his grief?
1.3 3 Your Turn
Think about all you’ve learned thus far about interpersonal communication. Then work through the following five steps. Remember, there are no “right” answers, so think hard about what is the best choice!
Step 1: Reflect on yourself.
What are your thoughts and feelings in this situation? Are your impressions and attributions accurate?
Step 2: Reflect on your partner.
Using perspective-taking and empathic concern, put yourself in Sam’s shoes. What is he thinking and feeling in this situation?
Step 3: Identify the optimal outcome.
Think about your communication and relationship with Sam as well as the situation surrounding Nana’s death. What’s the best, most constructive relationship outcome possible? Consider what’s best for you and for Sam.
Step 4: Locate the roadblocks.
Taking into consideration your own and Sam’s thoughts and feelings and all that has happened in this situation, what obstacles are keeping you from achieving the optimal outcome?
Step 5: Chart your course.
What can you say to Sam to overcome the roadblocks you’ve identified and achieve your optimal outcome?
1.4 4 The Other Side
Watch this video in which Sam tells his side of the case study story. As in many real-life situations, this is information to which you did not have access when you were initially crafting your response in Part 3. The video reminds us that even when we do our best to offer competent responses, there always is another side to the story that we need to consider.
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1.5 5 Interpersonal Competence Self-Assessment
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Think about the new information offered in Sam’s side of the story and all you’ve learned about interpersonal communication. Drawing upon this knowledge, revisit your earlier responses in Part 3 and assess your own interpersonal communication competence.
Step 1: Evaluate Appropriateness
Being an appropriate interpersonal communicator means matching your communication to situational, relational, and cultural expectations regarding how people should communicate. How appropriate was your response to Sam, given the situation, the history you two share, and your relationship with him? Rate your appropriateness on a scale of 1 to 7, where “1” is least appropriate and “7” is most appropriate.
Step 2: Evaluate Effectiveness
Being an effective interpersonal communicator means using your communication to accomplish self-presentational, instrumental, and relational goals. How effective was your response in dealing with the situation, helping to sustain and improve your relationship with Sam, and presenting yourself as a supportive sibling? Rate your effectiveness on a scale of 1 to 7, where “1” is least effective and “7” is most effective.
Step 3: Evaluate Ethics
Being an ethical communicator means treating others with respect, honesty, and kindness. Given this, how ethical was your response to Sam? Rate your ethics on a scale of 1 to 7, where “1” is least ethical and “7” is most ethical.
Step 4: What Would You Do Differently?
In the real world, there are no “take-backs” or “do-overs.” But part of learning interpersonal communication competence is working to improve your message strategies for dealing with complicated relationship situations. Knowing all that you now know, would you communicate differently to Sam than you did before? If so, write a new message to Sam below. If not, just write “the same” in the box to stick with your initial response.