READING

Dater’s Remorse

CINDY CHUPACK

Cindy Chupack (b. 1965) was born in Oklahoma. She trained as a journalist at Northwestern University because she wanted to make a living as a writer, but she found that journalism did not suit her. After working in advertising, Chupack contributed a personal essay to New York Woman magazine that attracted the attention of a television writer who encouraged her to create sitcom scripts. Ultimately, she became a writer and executive producer for the hit HBO show Sex and the City.

This selection below appears in a collection of Chupack’s writings titled The Between Boyfriends Book (2003). As you read, notice the way Chupack builds her humorous analogy between shopping and dating, from her opening description of her telephone-company “suitors” to her conclusion: Caveat emptor — “Let the buyer beware.”

I never imagined this would happen, but three men are fighting over me. They call me repeatedly. They ply me with gifts. They beg me for a commitment. Yes, they’re just AT&T, MCI, and Sprint salesmen interested in being my long-distance carrier, but what I’m relishing — aside from the attention — is the sense that I am in complete control.

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In fact, just the other day my ex (phone carrier, that is) called to find out what went wrong. Had I been unhappy? What would it take to win me back? Turns out all it took was two thousand frequent flier miles. I switched, just like that. I didn’t worry about how my current carrier would feel, or how it might affect my Friends and Family. Now if only I could use that kind of healthy judgment when it comes to my love life.

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The unfortunate truth is that while most of us are savvy shoppers, we’re not sufficiently selective when looking for relationships, and that’s why we often suffer from dater’s remorse. Perhaps we should try to apply conventional consumer wisdom to men as well as merchandise. How satisfying love might be if we always remembered to:

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Go with a classic, not a trend. We all know it’s unwise to spend a week’s salary on vinyl hip-huggers. But when it comes to men, even the most conservative among us occasionally invests in the human equivalent of a fashion fad. The furthest I ever strayed from a classic was during college. I wrote a paper about the Guardian Angels, those street toughs who unofficially patrol innercity neighborhoods, and being a very thorough student, I ended up dating one. He wore a red beret and entertained me by demonstrating martial arts moves in my dorm room. I remember telling my concerned roommate how he was sooo much more interesting than those boring MBA types everybody else was dating. Of course, what initially seemed like a fun, impulse buy turned out to require more of an emotional investment than I was willing to make. It took me two months to break up with him — two months of getting persistent late-night calls, angry letters, and unannounced visits to my dorm room door, which I envisioned him kicking down someday. The good thing about MBAs: They’re familiar with the expression “Cut your losses.”

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Beware of the phrase “Some assembly required.” Anyone who has tried to follow translated-from-Swedish directions for putting together a swivel chair understands that when you’ve got to assemble something yourself, the money you save isn’t worth the time you spend. The same goes for men. Many women think that even though a guy is not exactly “together,” we can easily straighten him out. The fact is that fixer-uppers are more likely to stay forever flawed, no matter what we do. My friend Jenny fell for a forty-one-year-old bachelor, despite the fact that he spent their first few dates detailing his dysfunctional family and boasting that he went to the same shrink as the Menendez brothers. “Six weeks later, when he announced he couldn’t handle a relationship, it shouldn’t have surprised me,” says Jenny, who now looks for men requiring a little less duct tape.

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Make sure your purchase goes with the other things you own. I once fell in love with a very expensive purple velvet couch, and I seriously considered buying it, even though it would mean getting my cat declawed, and I had signed an agreement when I adopted her that I would never do that. But the couch . . . the couch . . . I visited it a few more times, but I didn’t buy, and not just out of sympathy for my cat. I realized that if I owned that couch, I’d have to replace all my comfy, old stuff with new furniture equal in quality and style to the purple couch. Men can be like that, too. You’re drawn to them because they’re attractively different, but being with them may mean changing your entire life. For example, while dating a long-distance bicyclist, my friend Janet found herself suddenly following his training regimen: bowing out of social events just as the fun began, rising at an hour at which she normally went to bed, and replacing fine dining with intensive carbo-loading. And the only bike she ever rode was the stationary one at the gym.

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Check with previous owners. Once beyond age twenty-five, most men would have to be classified as secondhand, and we all know how risky it is to buy used merchandise. Therefore, it’s up to you to do some basic consumer research. Find out how many previous owners your selection has had. If he’s such a steal, why is he still on the lot? Is it because his exterior is a bit unsightly, or because he’s fundamentally a lemon? (Before becoming too critical, bear in mind that you are still on the lot.)

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Caveat emptor. Following these guidelines won’t guarantee a great relationship, but it will help you cut down on the number of times you feel dater’s remorse. Obviously looking for a husband is a bit more complicated than choosing a major appliance, but since there are no lifetime guarantees or lemon laws for men, it pays to be a savvy shopper.

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