No Place Left for Privacy, Latrisha Wilson (Reviewer Comments, Graphic Organizer, Sample Paragraph with Comments, and Revised Draft)
STUDENTS WRITE
No Place Left for Privacy, Latrisha Wilson (Reviewer Comments, Graphic Organizer, Sample Paragraph with Comments, and Revised Draft)
After writing her first draft, which appears in Chapter 7, Latrisha Wilson used the guidelines and revision flowcharts in this chapter to guide her revision. For example, she decided that she needed to focus more on how communications technologies allow greater surveillance. She added details and examples, including a visual to show what she was describing.
Wilson asked a classmate to review her essay. A portion of his comments is shown below.
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REVIEWER’S COMMENTS I like your topic. It’s current and interesting, but maybe your thesis could be more specific? Maybe it should focus on how new ways of communicating put us at risk of surveillance? Or you could revise your intro to focus on whistleblowers (that’s what your first body paragraph talks about), but you’d need to add a lot of information. Since I have a gmail account and a Facebook page, I’d like to know more about how those sites use our personal information to make money, and maybe you could include a screenshot of a gmail page to show where the ads are. That might be helpful for the 5 people in the world (like the teacher?) who don’t have gmail accounts. The only other thing that I think may be a problem is the tone. It’s kind of casual for an essay for class. Maybe you could make your tone more formal? |
Using her own analysis and her classmate’s suggestions, Wilson created a graphic organizer (Figure 9.6) to help her decide how to revise her draft. She used the format for an illustration essay provided in Chapter 14.
After creating the graphic organizer, Wilson revised her first draft. A portion of her revised draft, with her revisions indicated using the Track Changes function, follows.
REVISED DRAFT
Before Wilson submitted her final draft, she read her essay several more times, editing it for sentence structure and word choice. She also proofread it to catch errors in grammar and punctuation as well as typographical errors. (A portion of Wilson’s revised essay, with editing and proofreading changes marked, appears in Chapter 10.) The final version of Wilson’s essay follows.
FINAL DRAFT
