Results and Discussion

9

My initial analysis shows that blogs concentrating on daily food intake (commonly referred to as “eats” on blogs) were often linked with increased reflection on disordered behaviors and vice versa. When blogs included other interests, however, I found less obsession and reflection on the disorder. Even if food photography or behavior thoughts occasionally appeared, they seemed more of an afterthought.

10

A more synchronous experience of following each blog daily created a concern about the potential outcomes of keeping such blogs. Despite some clear benefits to recovery blogging, my overwhelming perception was the blogs’ possible harmful influences. These potential negative outcomes include “triggering” comparisons between daily eat-centric posts, a rippling effect of negative confessions of obsessive behavior and hiding those behaviors, such as keeping the blog secret from family and friends yet leaving it open to the blogging public. The frequency of these outcomes correlated with the primary content of the posts, such as daily eat-centric posts versus a combination of food, hobbies, and reflection.

11

Especially in the context of daily eat-centric posts, comparisons and obsessions were more likely to be present, apparently unintentionally. Throughout my study, I noted blog entries that included thoughts such as this: “well... towards the end of the day i was looking at blogs and starting to compare my eats to others. ed was making me feel like i eat too much and too many fear foods (2 tbsp PB, clifs, and bagels etc...). Like Mary, an eighteen-year-old in New York City, wrote in her blog, the opportunity to make judgments in the blogging world about how much one person ate compared to another is prevalent. From January to May 2009, Mary continued these daily eatcentric posts until she switched to occasional eats with other interests, at which point she wrote, “well, i really love blogging but it just feeds into the obsession with perfectionism with food and my diet etc. i used to just blog breakfasts then i decided to do all day eats, and it was fun for awhile, but im just getting tired of it.” As Lana, a college freshman in Connecticut, wrote in her blog, “I have found that when I eat these ‘higher-calorie’ foods, and then I come look at blogs, I begin to feel guilty for eating them. I think my eating disorder likes to compare how MUCH I eat to what everyone else is eating.... So I may try to spend less time around the blogs for a little while—for my own health.” After all, comparison can result in competition, and a person suffering the anorexic psychology does not want to “lose” to someone who eats less. Furthermore, if the blogger is on a weight-gain diet that involves more calories than another’s current diet, the comparison seems to suggest to the blogger that she will “get too fat” at such a level of intake. By serving as the medium through which to compare and contrast, blogs can possibly create a ground for competitive restriction.

12

In addition, the obsessive behavior surrounding food restriction seems to reappear in the ways that bloggers write about what and how much they ate at each meal. They photograph their food, wonder if they ate too much, and describe how bad eating it made them feel or how much of a struggle it was to force themselves to eat it. They write about whether they measured out each portion, weighed themselves that day, and counted calories. Some of the blogs show a growing recognition of the obsession, with some bloggers taking breaks from their blogs. As Ginger, a twenty-three-year-old student in New Orleans, wrote, “I did not worry about food or taking pictures of my food or what/when I was eating this weekend... I truly needed this mini blogging break these past few days. I was able to focus on myself and what I want from recovery.”

13

Adapting existing obsessive routines to a blog can create a kind of feedback loop or echo chamber, the blogger confining herself to her own disordered worldview by concentrating on the very aspect of her life that is currently dominating. For example, word choices that describe the battles people with anorexia face in their routines frequently appear across eating disorder recovery blogs: “tired,” “guilty,” “depressed,” “obsessive,” “isolated,” “anxious,” “feeling fat,” “controlled,” “frustration,” and “struggling.” These emotions are usually associated with “urges” to submit to the voice of ED as well as the “challenges” of “fear foods,” or foods that the recovering anorexic decided to give up in the past because of the calories, fat content, or other personal reasons. Plus, when the bloggers write about their bad days, they tend to include apologies for all their negativity, as if they do not deserve to be listened to, and force themselves to end on a positive note such as “Love you all!” or “Have a nice day!”

14

By regularly using these words, bloggers seem to show that they often doubt and question their own progress in recovery. Sometimes other bloggers who read these thoughts and see their peers struggling not to relapse may find they begin to struggle more themselves. They may become tempted to “give in” because it is “easier.” Furthermore, they may think, “If she cannot overcome these obstacles, then I probably cannot either”—which would create the rippling effect. As Jane wrote in her blog, “Some of you mentioned feeling like ‘bad anorexics’ because others aren’t doing so well at the moment. I sure as hell know that feeling.” Likewise, Elissa, Mary’s twin, wrote, “I feel like everyone is frustrated with me including in the blog world, and I feel so guilty for not doing the right thing.” Even in a generally supportive online environment, the results can be negative. Katherine, a fourteen-year-old high school student in Maryland, summed it up in her blog: “Lately I’ve been getting sucked into eating disorder blogs more and more.... That made me start to overanalyze, like, ‘If they’re allowed to maintain a 17.5 BMI, why can’t I? Why wasn’t I allowed to gain muscle instead of fat? Why do they feel so guilty, should I?’”

15

Comments left on Katherine’s post suggest there is conflict over the issue of negative ED-focused posts among bloggers themselves. One read, “This is why I stopped blogging. Why give anymore attention to your ED than it has already had? You’re doing well so right now you need to focus on living a happy fulfilling life.” Some people see a futility in the “Got your back” supportive words of posts that have the overall opposite effect.

16

Finally, because blogs allow expression of thoughts that bloggers might not vocalize to those around them, blogging may be reminiscent of anorexia itself. Some of the authors hide their blogs from friends, family, or therapists. They will not photograph their meals in others’ presence because they feel ashamed or embarrassed by their “weird” habit. When people with anorexia are restricting, they often try to hide it: wearing baggy clothing to conceal weight loss so no one will try to stop them, preparing food to create the appearance of used dishes without actually eating it, and the like (Childress and Davilla 2). The behavior is all too parallel; it is the very behavior a recovery blog is meant to correct and prevent.