Peers become increasingly important in middle childhood. With their new awareness of reality (concrete operations), children are painfully aware of their classmates’ opinions, judgments, and accomplishments.

Peer relationships, unlike adult–child relationships, involve partners who negotiate, compromise, share, and defend themselves as equals. Consequently, children learn social lessons from one another that grown-ups cannot teach (Rubin et al., 2013). Adults sometimes command obedience, sometimes are subservient, but they are always much older and bigger, with their own values and experiences.

Child culture includes the customs, rules, and rituals that are passed down to younger children from slightly older ones. Jump-rope rhymes, insults, and superstitions are often part of peer society. Even nursery games echo child culture. For instance, “Ring around the rosy/Pocketful of posy/Ashes, ashes/We all fall down,” may have originated as children coped with the Black Death, which killed half the population of Europe in the fourteenth century (Kastenbaum, 2012). (Rosy may be short for rosary, the circle of prayer beads of Roman Catholics; posy may be the dried flowers of the herbs thought to deflect sickness—but no one knows for sure.)

Throughout the world, child culture encourages independence from adults. Many children reject clothes that parents buy as too loose, too tight, too long, too short, or wrong in color, style, brand, decoration, or some other aspect that adults might not notice.

Appearance is important in child culture, but more important is a measure of independence from adults. Classmates pity those (especially boys) whose parents kiss them (“mama’s boy”), tease children who please the teachers (“teacher’s pet,” “suck-up”), and despise those who betray children to adults (“tattletale,” “grasser,” “snitch,” “rat”). Keeping secrets from parents and teachers is a moral mandate (Gillis, 2008).

The culture of children is not always benign. For example, because communication with peers is vital, children learn the necessary languages. Parents proudly note how well their children speak a second language, but may be distressed when their children spout their peers’ curses, accents, and slang. Because they value independence, children find friends who defy authority, sometimes harmlessly (passing a note in class), sometimes not (shoplifting, smoking). If a bully teases or isolates a child, it is hard for the other children to defend the one who is shunned.

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Teachers may try to separate friends, but developmentalists find that friends teach each other academic and social skills (Bagwell & Schmidt, 2011). It is a mistake to assume that friends are the source of trouble, although obviously each relationship is distinct. Aggressive children seek other aggressive children, and then they both exclude outsiders, but at least they learn loyalty via the friendship (Rubin et al., 2013).

Remember Yolanda and Paul from Chapter 12? Their friends guided them:

[quoted in Nieto, 2000, pp. 220, 249]

Yolanda later went to college; Paul went to jail.

Children want to be liked; consequently they learn faster and feel happier when they have friends. If they had to choose between being friendless but popular (looked up to by many peers) or having close friends but being unpopular (ignored by peers), most would choose to have friends (Bagwell & Schmidt, 2011). A wise choice.

Friendships become more intense and intimate over the years of middle childhood, as social cognition and effortful control advance. Six-year-olds may like anyone of the same sex and age who is willing to play with them. By age 10, children demand more of their friends. They share secrets and expect loyalty. Compared to younger children, older children change friends less often, become more upset when a friendship breaks up, and find it harder to make new friends.

Older children tend to choose friends whose interests, values, and backgrounds are similar to their own. By the end of middle childhood, close friendships are almost always between children of the same sex, age, ethnicity, and socioeconomic status (Rubin et al., 2013). This occurs not because children naturally become more prejudiced over the course of middle childhood (they do not) but because they seek friends who understand and agree with them.

Gender differences persist in activities (girls converse more whereas boys play more active games), but both boys and girls want best friends and usually find them. Having no close friends at age 11 predicts depression at age 13 (Brendgen et al., 2010).

In North American culture, shy children are not popular, but a 1990 survey in Shanghai found that shy children were liked and respected (X. Chen et al., 1992). Twelve years later, assertiveness became more valued in China: A survey from the same schools found shy children less popular than their shy predecessors had been (X. Chen et al., 2005). A few years later, a third study in rural China found shyness still valued; it predicted adult adjustment (X. Chen et al., 2009).

Finally, a fourth study from a Chinese city found that shyness in middle childhood predicted unhappiness later on—unless the shy child was also academically superior, in which case shyness was not a disability (X. Chen et al., 2013). Obviously, cohort and context matter.

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In the United States, two types of popular children and three types of unpopular children are apparent in middle childhood (Cillessen & Marks, 2011). First, at every age, children who are friendly and cooperative are well liked. By the end of middle childhood, status becomes as important as likeability. Consequently, a second type of popularity begins: Children who are dominant and somewhat aggressive are also popular (Shi & Xie, 2012).

As for the three types of unpopular children, some are neglected, not rejected, ignored but not shunned. The other two types are actively rejected. Some are aggressive-rejected, disliked because they are antagonistic and confrontational. Others are withdrawn-rejected, disliked because they are timid and anxious.

Both aggressive-rejected and withdrawn-rejected children often misinterpret social situations, lack emotional regulation, and experience mistreatment at home. Each of these problems causes rejection, and then rejection makes home and school worse for the child (Stenseng et al., 2014). If they are not guided toward friendship with at least one other child, they may become bullies and victims.

Bullying is defined as repeated, systematic attacks intended to harm those who are unable or unlikely to defend themselves. It occurs in every nation, in every community, and in every kind of school (religious or secular, public or private, progressive or traditional, large or small) and perhaps in every child. As one girl said, “There’s a little bit of bully in everyone” (Guerra et al., 2011, p. 303).

As one boy explained:

You can get bullied because you are weak or annoying or because you are different. Kids with big ears get bullied. Dorks get bullied. You can also get bullied because you think too much of yourself and try to show off. Teacher’s pet gets bullied. If you say the right answer too many times in class you can get bullied. There are lots of popular groups who bully each other and other groups, but you can get bullied within your group too. If you do not want to get bullied, you have to stay under the radar, but then you might feel sad because no one pays attention to you.

[quoted in Guerra et al., 2011, p. 306]

Bullying may be of four types:

The first three types are common in primary school and begin even earlier, in preschool. Cyberbullying is more common later on. (Developmental Link: Cyberbullying is discussed in Chapter 15.)

A key word in the definition of bullying is repeated. Almost every child experiences an isolated attack or is called a derogatory name at some point. Victims of bullying, however, endure shameful experiences again and again—being forced to hand over lunch money, laugh at insults, drink milk mixed with detergent, and so on—with no one defending them. Victims tend to be “cautious, sensitive, quiet … lonely and abandoned at school. As a rule, they do not have a single good friend in their class” (Olweus et al., 1999, p. 15).

Victims are chosen not because of their perceived appearance or behavior but because of their emotional vulnerability and social isolation. Children new to a school, or whose background and home culture are unlike that of their peers, are especially vulnerable.

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Remember the three types of unpopular children? Neglected children are not victimized; they are ignored, “under the radar.” If their family relationships are good, they suffer less even if they are bullied (which they usually are not) (Bowes et al., 2010).

Withdrawn-rejected children are often victims; they are isolated, feel depressed, and are friendless. Aggressive-rejected children are called bully-victims (or provocative victims), with neither friends nor sympathizers. They suffer the most because they strike back ineffectively, which increases the bullying (Dukes et al., 2009).

Unlike bully-victims, most bullies are not rejected. Although some have low self-esteem, others are proud; they are pleased with themselves, they have friends who admire them and classmates who fear them (Guerra et al., 2011). As already mentioned, some are quite popular, with bullying a form of social dominance and authority (Pellegrini et al., 2012). Over the years of middle childhood, bullies become skilled at avoiding adult awareness, picking victims who are rejected by most classmates and who will not resist or tell.

Boys bully more than girls, usually physically attacking smaller, weaker boys. Girl bullies usually use words to attack shyer, more soft-spoken girls. Young boys can sometimes bully girls, but by puberty (about age 11), boys who bully girls are not admired (Veenstra et al., 2010), although sexual teasing is. Especially in the final years of middle childhood, boys who are thought to be gay become targets, with suicide attempts one consequence (Hong & Garbarino, 2012).

Bullying may originate with a genetic predisposition or a brain abnormality, but when a toddler is aggressive, parents, teachers, and peers usually teach emotional regulation and effortful control. If home life is stressful, if discipline is ineffectual, if siblings are hostile, or if attachment is insecure, those lessons may not be learned or even taught. Instead, vulnerable young children develop externalizing and internalizing problems, becoming bullies or victims in middle childhood (Turner et al., 2012).

Peers are crucial. Some peer groups approve of relational bullying, and then children entertain their classmates by mocking and insulting each other (Werner & Hill, 2010). On the other hand, when students themselves disapprove of bullying, its incidence is reduced (Guerra & Williams, 2010). Age is also an important factor. For most of childhood, bullies are disliked, but a switch occurs at about age 11, when bullying becomes a way to gain social status (Caravita & Cillessen, 2012).

The consequences of bullying can echo for years, worsening with age. Many victims become depressed; many bullies become increasingly cruel. The worst bullies seem unmoved by their victims’ distress: Such bullies tend to become more aggressive with age (Willoughby et al., 2014).

Unless bullies are deterred, they and their victims risk impaired social understanding, lower school achievement, and relationship difficulties. Decades later they have higher rates of mental illness (Copeland et al., 2013; Ttofi et al., 2014). Compared to other adults the same age, former bullies are more likely to die young, be jailed, or have destructive marriages. Bystanders suffer, too: They learn less when bullying is common, and they are often distressed but afraid to help the victim (Juvonen & Graham, 2014; Monks & Coyne, 2011).

Most victimized children find ways to halt ongoing bullying—by ignoring, retaliating, defusing, or avoiding. Friends defend each other and restore self-esteem (Bag well & Schmidt, 2011). Friendships help individual victims, but what can be done to halt a culture of bullying?

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We know what does not work: simply increasing students’ awareness of bullying, instituting zero tolerance for fighting, or putting bullies together in a therapy group or a classroom (Baldry & Farrington, 2007; Monks & Coyne, 2011). This last measure tends to make daily life easier for some teachers, but it increases aggression. Another strategy is to talk to the parents of the bully, but this may backfire. Since one cause of bullying is poor parent–child interaction, talking to the bully’s or victim’s parents may “create even more problems for the child, for the parents, and for their relationship” (Rubin et al., 2013, p. 267).

The school community as a whole—teachers and bystanders, parents and aides, bullies and victims and bystanders—needs to change. In fact, the entire school can either increase the rate of bullying or decrease it (Juvonen & Graham, 2014). For example, a Colorado study found that, when the overall school climate encouraged learning and cooperation, children with high self-esteem were unlikely to be bullies; when the school climate was hostile, those with high self-esteem were often bullies (Gendron et al., 2011).

Again, peers are crucial: They must do more than simply notice bullying, becoming aware without doing anything to counter it. In fact, some bystanders feel morally disengaged from the victims, which increases bullying. Others are sympathetic but feel powerless (Thornberg & Jungert, 2013). However, if they empathize with victims, feel effective (high in effortful control), and refuse to admire bullies, classroom aggression is reduced (Salmivalli, 2010).

Efforts to change the entire school are credited with recent successful efforts to decrease bullying in 29 schools in England (Cross et al., 2011), throughout Norway, in Finland (Kärnä et al., 2011), and often in the United States (Allen, 2010; Limber, 2011).

A review of ways to halt bullying (Berger, 2007) finds that:

This final point merits emphasis. Longitudinal research finds that some programs make a difference and some do not. Variations depend on the age of the children and the indicators (peer report of bullying or victimization, teacher report of incidents reported, and so on). Objective follow-up efforts suggest that bullying can be reduced but not eliminated.

It is foolhardy to blame only the bully and, of course, wrong to blame the victim: The entire school community—including the culture of the school—needs to change. That leads to the final topic of this chapter, moral development.

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