When verbally communicating, avoid using “you” language—phrases that place the focus of attention and blame on other people, such as “You let me down” or “You make me so angry!” Instead, use “I” language—phrases that emphasize ownership of your feelings, opinions, and beliefs. “I” language makes it clear that you’re expressing your own perceptions rather than stating unquestionable truths, making it less likely to trigger defensiveness in others (Kubany, Richard, Bauer, & Muraoka, 1992). For instance, imagine you’re involved in a group project, and some group members are working harder than others. If you bring up this topic with the group, saying “I think it’s important that the workload be evenly distributed” will seem less threatening than “You guys aren’t doing your fair share!”

At the same time, strive to build solidarity through “we” language—phrases that both emphasize inclusion and enhance feelings of connection and similarity (Honeycutt, 1999). In the group project example, you might say “We all want this project to be a success” in order to emphasize how the whole group is working together. One study found that married couples who used “we” language maintained more positive emotions during disagreements and had higher overall marital satisfaction than couples who did not (Seider, Hirschberger, Nelson, & Levenson, 2009). To compare and contrast the differences between “you,” “I,” and “we” language, see Table 5.1.