Knapp’s stages of coming together illustrate one possible flow of relationship development (see Figure 9.1). As you read about the stages, keep in mind that these suggest benchmarks or turning points in relationships and are not fixed rules for how involvements should progress. Your relationships may go through some, none, or all of these stages. They may skip stages, jump backward or forward in the sequence, or follow a completely different trajectory.

Initiating.During the initiating stage, you size up a new person to decide whether you want to get to know that person better. You consider how attractive or interesting he or she seems by drawing on any information you can find, such as an online profile or impressions from other people who know him or her. You also work out an appropriate way of greeting the individual. You might do this in person—for instance, walking up to a classmate and saying, “Hi, I’m Jonas; would you like to get a coffee sometime?” Or you might do it online, such as when you connect with a long-lost family member through a genealogy Web site like Ancestry.com. In North America, people interested in initiating romantic relationships often use online dating sites to meet new partners (Heino, Ellison, & Gibbs, 2010).

Experimenting.Once you’ve initiated an encounter with someone, you enter the experimenting stage: exchanging demographic information (names, majors, hometowns). As you disclose these details, you look for points of commonality to foster further interaction. For instance, meeting a distant cousin for the first time at a family gathering, you might say, “You were an Army brat? So was I! Wasn’t it tough to keep changing schools?” In a romance, this is the “casual dating” phase; in a friendship, it’s the “making an acquaintance” stage. Most involvements never progress beyond this stage. You are likely to go through life experimenting with many people but forming deep connections with relatively few of them.

Intensifying.Occasionally, you’ll find yourself feeling strongly attracted to or interested in another person. When this happens, your verbal and nonverbal communication becomes increasingly more intimate. During this intensifying stage, you and the other person begin to share much more personal information about yourselves, such as secrets from your past (“My father was an alcoholic”) or your most cherished dreams and goals (“I’ve always wanted to raise a family”). Within friendships, you might develop private nicknames for each other (e.g., calling your friend Benjamin “BangBang”). With coworkers, you begin discussing challenges you’ve faced in your personal life, such as a failed marriage or family tragedy (Sias & Cahill, 1998). In romantic relationships, you may begin expressing commitment verbally (“I think I’m falling for you”) and online (marking your status as “in a relationship” rather than “single”).

Integrating.During the integrating stage, your and your partner’s personalities seem to blend. Twins may experience this stage, as do very close or “best” friends. In romantic relationships, partners integrate through engaging in sexual activity and sharing belongings, such as items of clothing, music, and photos. You and your partner engage in activities and interests that clearly join you together as a couple and use language expressing your new identity—“Our favorite movie is . . . ,” “We love that restaurant!” Friends, colleagues, and family members begin treating you as a couple—for example, always inviting the two of you to parties or dinners.

Bonding.For romances, the ultimate stage of coming together is bonding, a public ritual that announces to the world that you and your romantic partner have made a commitment to each other. Bonding is something you’ll share with very few people—perhaps only one—during your lifetime. The most obvious example of bonding is a wedding or commitment ceremony.