The first relational dialectic is openness versus protection. As we discussed earlier in this chapter, when you mutually share private information with others, relationships naturally develop. Most of us enjoy the feeling of connection and mutual insight that such self-disclosure creates. But although people want to be open with their relationship partners (whether lovers, family members, friends, or coworkers), they also desire to keep certain aspects of their selves—such as their most private thoughts and feelings—protected. Too much openness can give people an uncomfortable sense that they’ve lost their privacy, which can make them feel vulnerable.

According to communication privacy management theory (Petronio, 2000), individuals create information boundaries by carefully choosing the kind of private information they reveal and the people with whom they share it. These boundaries are constantly shifting, depending on the degree of risk associated with disclosing information (Afifi & Steuber, 2010). The more comfortable people feel disclosing, the more likely they are to reveal sensitive information. Inversely, people are less likely to share when they expect negative reactions to the disclosure.

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Think about how people manage information boundaries in romances and friendships. Over time, most lovers and friends learn that it’s best not to talk about certain issues, topics, or people; otherwise, conflicts may occur (Dainton, Zelley, & Langan, 2003). As a result, partners negotiate communication rules—conditions governing what they can (and can’t) talk about, how they can discuss such topics, and who else should have access to this information (Petronio & Caughlin, 2006). Such rules can be perfectly healthy as long as both people agree on them and as long as the avoided issues aren’t central to the relationship’s survival.

For example, when Steve and his wife, Kelly, were engaged but living in different cities, Kelly would go out dancing with her friends on the weekends. Often, she and her friends would meet handsome, charming, and funny men, and spend the evening chatting and dancing with them. Kelly—being scrupulously honest—would then call Steve and tell him all about it. But Steve was stressing about getting his graduate school work done, so hearing details about these men would make him mad, and the conversation would sour. After several of these unpleasant encounters, they negotiated a new rule: when Kelly goes out dancing with her friends, just tell Steve whether the evening was fun or not, and leave it at that. Because Steve trusted Kelly, he was fine with her providing a general assessment while leaving out the details that would spark his jealousy.

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Now consider how communication rules governing openness versus protection are negotiated within families. In some families, members feel free to talk about any topic, at any time, and in any situation. In other families, discussion of sensitive topics—such as politics, religion, or money—may be considered appropriate only in certain settings. For instance, some parents might discuss their finances with a child planning how to pay for college but would not discuss such matters with their younger children. In other families, people never, under any circumstances, talk about topics the family has defined as completely off-limits, such as sex, recreational drug use, legal or financial woes, or serious health problems. Breaking a family communication rule by forcing discussion of a “forbidden” topic can cause intense emotional discomfort among other family members. It may even prompt the family to exclude the “rule breaker” from future family interactions. Keep this in mind before you force discussion of an issue that other family members consider off-limits. If you believe that breaking a communication taboo in your family is essential for a family member’s health, consider doing it with the help of a mediator, such as a family therapist or a family-intervention specialist.

Managing openness versus protection through communication rules is also essential within the workplace. Communication rules in the workplace govern whether communications are formal or informal, whether they are personal or impersonal, and even which channels (e-mail, instant messaging, texting, printed memos, face-to-face conversations) are the most appropriate for use among coworkers.