Being a good listener isn’t easy—it’s hard work. Numerous challenges exist that can drive you away from active listening and toward incompetence. Overcoming these challenges is essential to improving your listening skills.

Years ago, Steve and his wife, Kelly, went car shopping. Kelly had left her job as a marketing rep and was starting graduate school, so she needed to replace the company car she used previously. Upon entering the showroom, a salesperson approached Steve and said, “How can I help you today?” When Steve clarified that Kelly was the buyer, the salesperson nodded but said to Steve again, “So, what exactly are you looking for?” Steve then said, “No, Kelly is the buyer!” more emphatically, pointing to Kelly. The salesperson nodded, put her hand lightly on Steve’s arm, and said, “Why don’t you take a look at our best-selling model . . .” At this point, Steve said, “I think we’re done here,” and he and Kelly walked toward the door. But the salesperson blocked them. “What’s wrong?” she inquired. Kelly responded, “Do you really want to know?” “Yes,” the salesperson said, acknowledging Kelly’s presence for the first time. Drawing on her years of sales experience, Kelly then provided a reasoned critique of how the salesperson hadn’t listened and had mishandled the encounter. With every point Kelly raised, however, the salesperson lashed back, still not listening: “That’s ridiculous!” she said. “What makes you an expert!?” Finally, after several extremely awkward minutes, Steve and Kelly made their escape.

We all have had encounters in which people failed to actively listen. Perhaps audience members were texting while you were giving a presentation. Maybe you were politely pretending to listen during a group discussion but were actually tuned out. Or maybe, like Kelly and the car salesperson, someone invited criticism but then seemed more interested in lashing back at you than listening to what you had to say. In this chapter so far, we’ve discussed a number of listening pitfalls, including failing to identify the right purpose for listening, multitasking, and neglecting to adapt listening style to the situation. But in this section, we focus on three of the most common and substantial barriers to active listening—selective listening, pseudo-listening, and aggressive listening—and how you can overcome them.