1. Your Dilemma
You’re dating Casey, whom you love very much. Even though you’ve been together for over a year, Casey continues to express jealousy toward your ex, Jaden. You are still close friends with Jaden, and you tease each other about everything, including your relationships. This has gotten you into trouble with Casey, who recently saw a text message from Jaden to you that joked, “When are you going to dump Casey and come back to me?” Casey was livid and wanted you to end all contact with Jaden, but you convinced Casey that wasn’t necessary since you don’t have feelings for Jaden anymore. Even so, Casey doesn’t fully trust you.
It’s Wednesday night, and Casey is working, so you head to the library to get a head start on an upcoming paper. You send a text telling Casey this. Then you get a message from Jaden: “Huge party at my place!” You decide to skip the paper and head to Jaden’s. Not wanting to trigger a fight, you don’t text Casey about your change in plans. Jaden’s party is awesome, and you end up staying until early in the morning.
Heading home, you find your phone is flooded with missed calls and texts from Casey. One of Casey’s friends took videos of you and Jaden dancing at the party and posted them on Snapchat. Casey is furious, saying that you lied and that it’s over between the two of you.
2. The Research
Communication scholars Brandi Frisby and David Westerman (2010) studied conflict within romantic relationships—specifically, whether partners communicated face-to-face or through technology, and the outcomes that resulted. Nearly two-thirds of their participants reported managing conflicts through technology (texts, email, and social media). The most common tool was texting; more than half the sample dealt with conflicts this way, usually because of a lack of proximity and the convenience of texting. But participants also reported that face-to-face conflict “is so much better” because they could see the other person and read his or her nonverbal communication.
The choice of medium for communicating about conflict substantially influenced the participants’ approaches to conflict and their outcomes. Those who chose to manage conflicts via technology were more likely to compete. In contrast, those who met face-to-face were more likely to use collaboration and were substantially happier with their relationships afterward.
3. Your Opportunity
Before you act, consider the facts of the situation and think about the research on technology and conflict. Reflect on what you’ve learned about conflict approaches and escalation. You might also want to review the section on mediated communication challenges in Chapter 4.