1. Your Dilemma
Raisa has been your friend for years. She’s a first-generation Guatemalan American, and her family is very strict. Growing up, Raisa prioritized grades over play, but the payoff came when she was admitted to elite universities. Thrilled, her family now wants her to attend law school.
You’ve always liked Raisa, because although she’s kind of uptight (perfectly groomed and ridiculously polite), she’s also very supportive. She’s the one friend you can always count on for good advice, whether you’re fighting with a family member or suffering a romantic breakup.
Raisa recently traveled to Guatemala to build houses with Habitat for Humanity. Although you initially stay in touch with her by Skype, as the months pass, it becomes too much of a hassle to schedule chats, and so you switch to occasional emails. You still feel close to her, but you also can tell from the tone of her messages that her experiences there are having a substantial impact on her.
When Raisa returns, you pick her up at the airport because her parents are working. Raisa is unrecognizable. She’s lost 15 pounds, and her hair is wild. There’s a gleam in her eye, and she greets you with a big hug. As you drive home, she talks nonstop about her passion for her culture and how she wants to work full time for Habitat. She also tells you that her family doesn’t approve, and that they have complained that she has “become a hippie.” After a while, Raisa notices your silence. “I know I’ve changed,” she says, “but I’ve finally figured out who I am. My family can’t accept this. Can you?”
2. The Research
An essential part of building and sustaining close relationships is providing support for valued social identities: the aspects of your self you consider most important in defining who you are—musician, nurse, athlete, charity worker, teacher, mother, and so on. Within close relationships, communicating in ways that convey understanding, acceptance, and support for these identities is crucial, even if these identities change over time.
Scholars Carolyn Weisz and Lisa Wood (2005) studied friendships across a span of four years, looking at the impact that identity support, amount of communication, and general emotional support had on these relationships. They found that friends who reported high levels of identity support at the beginning of their study were more likely to describe each other as best friends four years later. In fact, identity support proved to be the strongest determinant of closeness—even more so than how often people communicated with each other.
3. Your Opportunity
Before you act, consider the facts of the situation and think about the identity support research. Also, reflect on what you’ve learned so far about why you form relationships and the characteristics of friendships.