4 Verbal Communication

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Anne Kerry was walking to the bank in her San Francisco neighborhood when she suddenly ran into Scott, an old college friend, accompanied by another young man. “Anne,” he said warmly, “I want you to meet my partner, Bryan.” Anne was surprised—she hadn’t realized that Scott was gay. She asked, “How long have you two been together?” Both men looked at her quizzically before they realized what she was thinking. “No,” said Scott, “I became a police officer. Bryan and I work patrol together.” “I was embarrassed,” said Anne. “I didn’t mean to misunderstand their relationship. I just figured that ‘partner’ meant love interest” (A. Kerry, personal communication, March 7, 2008).

Like many words in the English language, partner has a variety of definitions: it can mean anything from “an associate” to “a dancing companion” to “a group of two or more symbiotically associated organisms.” But like Anne, many of us immediately jump to another definition: “half of a couple who live together or who are habitual companions.” Indeed, partner is widely used by gays and lesbians seeking a label for their loved one. Some heterosexual couples have also embraced the term to reveal their committed state, particularly when they feel they’ve outgrown the term boyfriend or girlfriend or are unwilling to use the terms husband and wife.

The term partner can create ambiguity: Is the person you introduce with this term a business colleague, someone you play tennis with, or your “significant other”? That ambiguity makes it difficult for others to grasp your intended meaning. Perhaps that’s why some Massachusetts gays and lesbians who wed after the commonwealth ratified same-sex marriage avoid the term partner. Bob Buckley felt the power of such labels when his partner, Marty Scott, needed medical treatment. When hospital administrators asked his relationship to the patient, Buckley replied “husband” and was allowed to stay with Scott, since spouses have this privilege but partners do not (Jones, 2005).

As our opening vignette shows, the names used to describe our connections with others have power. This is true for all kinds of relationships. For example, calling your father “Dad” reveals less formality in your relationship than calling him “Father” would. In a stepfamily situation, calling your father’s wife “Mom” indicates more closeness than using her first name would. Choosing words can get complicated. That’s why we dedicate this chapter to studying verbal communication, the way we communicate with language. Language is the system of symbols (words) that we use to think about and communicate experiences and feelings. Language is also governed by grammatical rules and is influenced by contexts.

Of course, nonverbal behaviors—pauses, tone of voice, and body movements—accompany the words we speak. Thus they are an integral part of our communication. We look at nonverbal communication in Chapter 5. But first let’s examine the nature of language, its functions, some problems with it, and contexts that influence our use of it.