Using Language to Express Feelings

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Poets, writers, and lyricists are celebrated for using language to capture and express emotions. But most expressions of feelings are less elaborately composed than a Shakespearean sonnet or an angry protest song. In everyday conversation and correspondence, we use language to send messages to others expressing how we feel about ourselves, them, or the situation. Young children can say, “I’m sad,” and cry or laugh to communicate feelings. As we mature, we learn how to express a more complex set of emotions: liking, love, respect, empathy, hostility, and pride. The functional competency of expressing feeling is primarily relational: we let people know how much we do, or don’t, value them by the emotions we express.

We all use language to express our feelings, but to be competent at this, we must do so appropriately and effectively. Many people don’t communicate well when it comes to their own emotions. For example, Elliot expresses his frustration with his staff by yelling at them; his staff responds by mocking Elliot at a local pub after work. Instead of yelling, Elliot could have said, “I’m worried that we’re not going to make the deadline on this project”; someone on his staff could have said, “I’m feeling tense about making the deadline, too, but I’m also confused about why you yelled at me.” Sometimes, appropriate and effective communication means avoiding expressing feelings that we consider inappropriate or risky in a given situation (Burleson, Holmstrom, & Gilstrap, 2005). For example, when Abby’s boyfriend suggests sharing an apartment next semester, Abby changes the subject to avoid admitting that she’s uncomfortable taking that step.