Declining Stage

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Have you noticed your partner criticizing you more often, refusing to talk about issues important to you, getting defensive, or speaking with contempt? If these behaviors are occurring more often than positive behaviors in your relationship, it is probably in the declining stage, when the relationship begins to come apart (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Three factors typically lead to this stage: uncertainty events, interference (concerning family, work, timing, money, or the like), and unmet expectations.

Uncertainty Events. Events or behavioral patterns that cause uncertainty in a relationship are called uncertainty events. They may be caused by competing relationships (romantic or platonic), deception or betrayal of confidence, fluctuations in closeness, and sudden or unexplained changes in sexual behavior, personality, or values (Planalp & Honeycutt, 1985). One or both partners are left wondering about the cause of the events and their significance for the relationship. Imagine how you would feel if your romantic partner suddenly started withholding information from you or if a close friend began engaging in activities that you found offensive. Uncertainty events may be sudden and very noticeable (betrayal of confidence, for example) or they may be subtle and escape immediate attention (your sister stops returning your phone calls).

Interference. When Patrick becomes involved in a serious romantic relationship, his best friend, Dennis, feels abandoned. Jason wants to get married, but Norah is not ready. Emma and Leigh find that financial troubles are straining their relationship.

These are just some of the many obstacles that may pop up in a relationship and interfere with its growth. Timing, the family or friends of one or both partners, and problems with work or money can all contribute to the decline of a relationship. For example, a Money magazine study of one thousand spouses found that 84 percent of married couples reported money as a culprit in marital distress (“Money,” 2006). Romantic partners or even friends often view money differently because of upbringing, spending habits, and gender (Blumstein & Schwartz, 1983).

Unmet Expectations. Whenever people enter into a relationship, they form ideas about what they think will or should happen; these expectations influence how we (and our partners) send and receive messages. Unrealistic expectations can create problems in a relationship: if Hannah believes that true love means never arguing, she might interpret her boyfriend Liam’s criticism of her messy apartment as a sign that they’re not meant to be together. Realistic expectations, by contrast, can increase relational satisfaction and improve interpersonal communication (Alexander, 2008). Luisa, for example, has learned that her friend Emily is never going to remember her birthday. It’s not a sign that Emily doesn’t care; she just isn’t good with dates. Instead, Luisa focuses on all the kind things that Emily does for her, like sending her funny postcards from her business travel or watching the dogs when Luisa had to leave town for a funeral.