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Termination Stage

Page 162

Try as they might, not all relational partners stay together. (Hence the existence of sad songs and heartbroken poetry.) The termination stage, or end of a relationship, usually comes about in one of two ways (Davis, 1973). The first is passing away, which is characterized by a gradual fade as the relationship loses its vitality, perhaps because of outside interference or because partners don’t make the effort to maintain it. Also, if partners spend less time together as a couple, communication and intimacy may decline, leading to dissatisfaction and a perception of different attitudes. This is why romances and friendships sometimes deteriorate when one partner moves away or why marriages and outside friendships change when kids come into the picture. The second way relationships often end is in sudden death—the abrupt, and for at least one partner, unexpected termination of a relationship. This might happen if a spouse or romantic partner has an affair or if someone can no longer tolerate a friend’s emotionally manipulative behavior. Communicating the desire to end a relationship can be difficult; some messages useful for terminating romantic relationships in particular are listed in Table 7.4.

Table 7.4 Termination Strategies for Romantic Relationships
Strategy	Tactics	Examples
Positive-tone messages	Fairness	“It wouldn’t be right to go on pretending I’m in love with you when I know I’m not!”
	Compromise	“I still care about you. We can still see each other occasionally.”
	Fatalism	“We both know this relationship is doomed.”
De-escalation	Promise of friendship	“We can still be friends.”
	Implied possible reconciliation	“We need time apart; maybe that will rekindle our feelings for each other.”
	Blaming the relationship	“It’s not your fault, but this relationship is bogging us down.”
	Appeal to independence	“We don’t need to be tied down right now.”
Withdrawal or avoidance	Avoid contact with the person as much as possible	“I don’t think I’ll be able to see you this weekend.”
Justification	Emphasize positive consequences of disengaging	“It’s better for you and me to see other people since we’ve changed so much.”
	Emphasize negative consequences of not disengaging	“We will miss too many opportunities if we don’t see other people.”
Negative identity management	Emphasize enjoyment of life	“Life is too short to spend with just one person right now.”
	Nonnegotiation	“I need to see other people—period!”

Source: Canary, Cody, & Manusov (2008), pp. 278–286. Adapted with permission.