Online Relationships

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Holly and Delia’s friendship began long before they met face to face. As regular readers of a blog, the two women began posting in the site’s comments section. Over time, they developed a friendly conversation that led to direct texting correspondence. When Holly found herself traveling on business to Delia’s hometown of Phoenix, the two finally met.

For years, online relationships were considered impersonal, lacking the richness of nonverbal cues found in face-to-face relationships (Tidwell & Walther, 2002). But Joe Walther (1996) found that mediated communicators often took advantage of the lack of these cues to gain greater control over both their messages and their presentation of self. His social information processing theory (SIP) (1996; Walther & Parks, 2002) argues that communicators use unique language and stylistic cues in their online messages to develop relationships that are just as close as those that develop face to face—but using text takes more time to become intimate. Online communicators often even develop what Walther (1996) calls hyperpersonal communication, communication that is even more personal and intimate than face-to-face interaction. Freed from the less-controllable nonverbal cues (such as appearances or nervous fidgeting), online communicators can carefully craft their messages and cultivate idealized perceptions of each other (see Walther & Ramirez, 2009). Indeed, relational partners often feel less constrained in the online environment (Caplan, 2001). As we saw with Holly and Delia above, they can develop rich and meaningful relationships both online and off (Anderson & Emmers-Sommer, 2006; Antheunis, Valkenburg, & Peter, 2010; Parks & Roberts, 1998; Pauley & Emmers-Sommer, 2007).

In a similar manner, romances can also bud and be maintained through the use of electronic media. Many couples today first “meet” online through a dating site like Match.com or eHarmony, and their initial interactions are entirely electronic; they only meet face to face after a series of messages, e-mails, and perhaps phone calls. Established couples maintain long-distance relationships by using e-mail, video chat, texts, Facebook, and phone calls to communicate feelings. As with friend relationships, such couples tend to communicate greater intimacy than geographically close partners; they are more likely to avoid conflict and problematic topics when using these media (Stafford, 2010). On the other hand, their online communication may avoid the very behaviors that are necessary to manage the future of the relationship face to face.

In all types of relationships, online communication enables us to maintain intimacy with others over great distances. Sharing photos, videos, and stories on Facebook, Twitter, or blogs allows us to share our lives with family and friends in other states and countries. And regular texting, video chats, phone calls, and e-mail messages keep partners close and aware of each other’s lives (Bergen, 2010; Maguire, 2007; Maguire & Kinney, 2010; Mansson, Myers, & Turner, 2010; Merolla, 2010a; Stafford, 2005). So whereas once a group graduating from college or leaving the military would scatter around the country or region and gradually lose touch, today these individuals can much more easily remain parts of one another’s daily lives if they choose to make use of all or some of the available media.

Other online relationships include online communication that is merely part of the larger relationship. For example, work colleagues frequently e-mail each other or video chat throughout the day. However, they still see each other in the hallways or in meetings. In fact, some married and cohabitating couples report that they will use computer-mediated communication to discuss their conflicts, even though they could handle it face to face, because it helps them remain less emotionally involved and defensive (Quenqua, 2010). Perhaps this is because e-mail or Facebook messages do not require immediate responses, allowing the communication partners time to formulate appropriate and thoughtful messages.