8 Managing Conflict in Relationships

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If you believe the story detailed in the (fiction) film The Social Network, Mark Zuckerberg invented Facebook as revenge (O’Brian, 2010). Feeling angry because he got dumped, Zuckerberg begins posting nasty things about his ex on his personal blog and then goes on to develop the site that will eventually become the most ubiquitous (and profitable) social-networking site on the Internet.

The story was exaggerated for dramatic effect in the film, but his invention can nonetheless be a blunt weapon for individuals seeking to air grievances. Facebook, like Twitter and blogs, provides a forum for communication, including users voicing opinions and complaints to everyone they know—and plenty of people they don’t. Slamming celebrities, talking smack about sports teams, deriding government policies, and maligning social groups are common practices on Facebook. Confrontational posts are often met with confrontational comments, and online bullying is not unusual. Chances are you’ve witnessed or even become embroiled in a Facebook conflict yourself.

What starts out as a complaint or an observation can quickly develop into a nasty conflict or even an investigation. Just ask Joe Lipari, who in 2010 posted a paraphrased line from the film Fight Club regarding his experience at a local Apple Store. A Facebook “friend”—more likely an acquaintance unfamiliar with Lipari’s sarcastic sense of humor—misread his post as a threat against the store and alerted authorities. A few hours after Lipari posted what he intended as a funny complaint on Facebook, police were knocking on his door, searching his apartment, and questioning him as a suspected terrorist (Calhoun, 2010).

Dealing with conflict—be it with a romantic partner, a family member, a colleague, a classmate, or an institution—can be hard. Some avoid it altogether, while others lash out aggressively, in person or on Facebook. But there is also a middle ground that falls between covering our ears and posting aggressive comments in a public forum. There are also lots of ways in which we can not only manage conflict but also grow and learn from it. In this chapter, we’ll take a look at some of the root causes of conflict and examine the ways in which we engage in it with others. We’ll then consider productive ways to manage conflict in our relationships as well as conflict outcomes.