comm_and_you

Provocation

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Of course, not every conflict arises out of natural differences between individuals’ goals or perceptions. The hard truth is that people can be uncaring or even aggressive at times. While conflict is indeed a natural part of every relationship, a great many conflicts arise through provocation—the intentional instigation of conflict. Research by Dan Canary (2003) reveals a wide range of events that can spark intense negative emotions in a relationship:

Aggression. Aggressive behaviors range from verbal intimidation to physical threats. Fear and defensiveness (along with even more aggression) are common responses to such behavior.
Identity management. When someone insults you, it can threaten your identity. Threats to identity management range from mild insults (“Man, you have a messy car”) to condescending remarks (“I’ll go slowly so you can keep up”) to attacks on one’s values or religion and racial or ethnic slurs. The reverse is also true, as evidenced by a study revealing that those who feel entitled to admiration from others engage in high amounts of identity management. As such, their self-image goals cause conflict and hostility in their relationships (Moeller, Crocker, & Bushman, 2009).
Lack of fairness. When someone uses more than a fair share of resources—in families, workplaces, or living situations, for example—it commonly leads to conflict.
Incompetence. When someone you work with or depend on performs poorly, the person is in a sense provoking conflict. Feelings of anger and resentment occur when a lab partner fails to bring needed supplies or write her share of the lab report.
Relationship threats. When a relationship comes under threat, conflict is likely to arise. If your romantic partner reveals things that suggest he or she has other interests, you feel jealousy, anger, or insecurity. But not all threats to relationships are so cut-and-dried: a young child can see a new baby as a threat to his relationship with his parents; you might see a new, talented coworker as a threat to your career.

Culture and You

Are there particular provocations that spark negative emotions in your relationships? If so, why do you think some of them bother you more than others? Has it always been this way, or have those factors changed as you’ve aged?

You may have noticed that most provocations are closely related to strong, unpleasant emotions: conflict often springs out of fear, anger, frustration, sadness, or insecurity. But as you will see, the factors that influence all communication—situation, culture, gender, personality, and so on—also influence the way we handle conflict. We’ll consider these and other factors in the next section.

LearningCurve

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