Summary

• The ideal combination for long-term success in romantic relationships occurs when partners both like and love each other.
• There are many types of romantic love.
  • Passionate love is a state of intense emotional and physical longing for union with another. This includes an idealization of the other—experienced by all cultures and ages, and both genders—that diminishes over time. In adults, passionate love is linked with sexual desire.
  • Companionate love is an intense form of liking defined by emotional investment and deeply intertwined lives. This is often the evolution of passionate love.
  • Sociologist John Alan Lee described six different forms of love: storge, agape, mania, pragma, ludus, and eros.
• A romantic relationship is a chosen interpersonal involvement forged through communication in which both participants perceive the bond as romantic.
• There are six underlying elements to romantic relationships: perception, diversity, choice, commitment, relational dialectics, and communication.
  • Commitment is a strong psychological attachment to a partner and an intention to continue the relationship long into the future.
  • Both men and women view commitment as an important part of romantic relationships.
• Tensions affecting romantic relationships take the form of three common relational dialectics: openness versus protection, autonomy versus connection, and novelty versus predictability.

• Proximity involves frequently being in another person’s presence.
  • The mere exposure effect stipulates that the more you are exposed to others, the more likely you are to perceive them as attractive.
• Physical attractiveness matters for two reasons:
  • The beautiful-is-good effect stipulates that we view attractive people as competent communicators, intelligent, and well-adjusted.
  • Matching is the tendency to form long-term romantic relationships with people we judge as similar to ourselves in terms of physical attractiveness.
• Similarity is a factor because of the birds-of-a-feather effect, which stipulates that we are attracted to those we perceive as similar to ourselves because they are less likely to provoke uncertainty.
  • Similarity means more than physical attractiveness—it means sharing parallel personalities, values, and tastes.
  • Similarity in values is more important than similarity in tastes.
• Reciprocal linking occurs when the person to whom we’re attracted makes it clear, through communication and other actions, that the attraction is mutual.
  • Studies indicate that reciprocal liking is the most commonly mentioned factor leading to love.
• Resources are what an individual offers to a potential relationship partner, including such personal qualities as humor, intelligence, and kindness.
  • According to social exchange theory, we are drawn to those who offer substantial benefits with few associated costs.
  • Equity is the balance of benefits and costs exchanged by each person in the relationship. Those who gain more rewards for fewer costs are overbenefited, whereas those who get fewer rewards for greater costs are underbenefited.
    • Equity strongly determines the short- and long-term success of romantic relationships.
• Technology has refined and enhanced the attraction process, because people can discover each other via online profiles, social-networking sites, and Web pages.
  • Technologies enable people to market their best selves to potential romantic partners.
  • Distortions of online self-descriptions are ultimately self-defeating because of the disappointment potential romantic partners experience upon discovering that online presentations are inaccurate.

• Mark Knapp identified ten stages of relationship development—five of “coming together” and five of “coming apart.”
  • These stages suggest turning points in relationships and are not fixed rules for how involvements should or do progress. Your relationships may go through some, none, or all of these stages.
• Coming together includes initiating, experimenting (a component of which is small talk), intensifying (typified by the exchange of previously withheld information), integrating (the merging of two personalities into one), and bonding (the most obvious example of which is marriage).
• Coming apart includes differentiating (focusing on differences), circumscribing (restricting information), stagnating (perceiving no hope of improvement), avoiding (limiting contact), and terminating (e.g., divorce).
  • Most healthy romances experience occasional periods of differentiating, but open discussion of issues can halt the coming-apart process.

• Laura Stafford has identified the following maintenance strategies:
  • Positivity: communicating with your partner in a cheerful and optimistic fashion, doing unsolicited favors, and giving unexpected gifts.
  • Assurances: regularly reaffirming commitment to each other
  • Self-disclosure: creating a climate of security and trust within your relationship to enable each person to share feelings and private thoughts
• Maintaining romantic relationships despite geographic separation is a common relationship challenge.
  • Distance can actually make relationships more satisfying because couples separated by distance focus on positive aspects of their relationships.
  • However, reunions may cause couples to break up when they suddenly see the other’s negative qualities close up, shattering illusions.
  • To maintain relationships involving distance: (1) Use technology to communicate, (2) focus on positivity and assurances when communicating, and (3) expect a period of adjustment—marked by tension—upon reuniting.
• Three factors that can help predict the survival of a romantic relationship are (1) the degree to which partners think of themselves as “in love,” (2) equity, and (3) similarity.

• The workplace is a natural venue for romantic attraction to unfold.
• Employer attitudes toward office romances are changing based on research contravening old beliefs about romance decreasing productivity.
• Office romances face challenges, including unavoidable scrutiny and gossip from coworkers.
  • To compensate for the special considerations of workplace romances, exercise discretion and professionalism while at work with your romantic partner.

• Romantic betrayal is an act that goes against expectations of a romantic relationship and, as a result, causes pain to a partner. Examples include sexual infidelity, emotional infidelity, deception, and disloyalty.
  • Sexual infidelity is the most destructive form of romantic betrayal.
  • Emotional infidelity involves developing a strong romantic relationship to someone other than your partner.
  • Deception is intentional misrepresentation—misleading your partner by intentionally withholding information, presenting false information, or making messages unnecessarily irrelevant or ambiguous.
  • Statistics indicate that men find sexual infidelity more troubling than emotional infidelity, whereas women have the opposite perspective.
  • A statistical majority of both men and women report that they would consider divorce after discovering an incident of sexual infidelity.
  • People coping with betrayal commonly adopt one of four general communication approaches: (1) confrontation and discussion, (2) forgiveness, (3) anger and punishment, or (4) relationship termination.
• Jealousy is a protective reaction to a perceived threat to a valued relationship.
  • Jealousy especially plagues users of social media.
  • Wedging occurs when an individual deliberately uses messages, photos, and posts to insert herself or himself between partners because of romantic interest in one of the partners.
• Dating violence can happen to anyone, despite age, ethnicity, gender, religion, sexual orientation, and/or social class.
  • Dating violence usually builds up slowly over time as (in the early stages of a relationship) the abusive partner masks jealousy, violent anger, and an excessive need to control. It can be difficult to see warning signs until violence has already begun.
  • If you find yourself in a violent relationship, resist the urge to try to “heal” or “save” your violent partner. The only option is leaving the relationship. To do so, cut all ties to the abuser and make a safety plan.