Maintaining Romance across Distance

A common challenge to maintaining romantic relationships is geographic separation. At any one time, nearly half of college students are involved in romances separated by geography, and 75 percent will experience a long-distance dating relationship while in school (Aylor, 2003).

People often think that long-distance relationships are doomed to fail. However, long-distance romantic relationships have actually been found to be more satisfying and stable than those that are geographically close (Stafford, 2010). On measures of love, positivity, agreement, and overall communication quality, geographically distant couples score higher than local partners (Stafford & Merolla, 2007). Why? Stafford (2010) offers several reasons. Couples separated by distance often constrain their communication to only that which is positive, steadfastly shying away from troublesome topics that provoke conflict. Geographically distant couples also idealize their partners more. When you’re not around your partner every day, it’s easy to cherish misconceptions about his or her “perfection.” And visits between partners are typically occasional, brief in duration, and passionate. This amplifies the feeling that all their time together is intense and positive—an unsustainable illusion when people see each other regularly (Sahlstein, 2004).

The most difficult maintenance challenge long-distance couples face is not the separation but their eventual reunion. Almost all couples separated by distance express a desire to be near each other again, and they anticipate that being together will result in dramatic relationship improvements (Stafford, Merolla, & Castle, 2006). But the reality is more complicated. Couples who are reunited following separation are twice as likely to break up, compared with those who remain long-distance (Stafford & Merolla, 2007). Rather than being “all bliss, all the time,” living locally presents a blend of rewards and costs (Stafford et al., 2006). On the plus side, couples get to spend more time together, savoring each other’s company and sharing in the “little” things they missed when apart. On the minus side, partners’ cherished illusions about each other are shattered. Reunited couples report realizing for the first time their lovers’ negative characteristics, such as laziness, sloppiness, immaturity, or failure to invest effort in the relationship. They also report increased conflict, as formerly “taboo” topics become regularly discussed and fought over.

Despite the challenges, you can have a happy and enduring long-distance romance. Here are some suggestions to help maintain such relationships:

  1. While separated, use technology to regularly communicate with your partner. Using text message, e-mail, instant messaging, Facebook, Skype, and even shared dropboxes can have a significant impact on improving relationship health (Dainton & Aylor, 2002).
  2. When communicating with your distant partner, follow the maintenance tactics discussed in the previous section. Focus on positivity and assurances—keeping your interactions upbeat and filled with discussions of shared future plans and dreams.
  3. When you permanently reunite, expect a significant period of adjustment, one that is marked by tension (as you rebalance autonomy versus connection), disappointment (as idealistic illusions of your partner are replaced by the reality), and conflict (as you begin talking about topics you shelved during the separation). Avoid expecting everything to be perfect, and use the strategies from our discussion of conflict (Chapter 9) to manage difficult dilemmas when they arise.