We all can think of situations in which we’ve revealed private information about ourselves to others. This is known as self-disclosure (Wheeless, 1978), and it plays a critical role in interpersonal communication and relationship development. According to the interpersonal process model of intimacy, the closeness we feel toward others in our relationships is created through two things: self-disclosure and responsiveness of listeners to disclosure (Reis & Patrick, 1996). Relationships are intimate when both partners share private information with each other and each partner responds to the other’s disclosures with understanding, caring, and support (Reis & Shaver, 1988). One practical implication of this is just because you share your thoughts and feelings with someone doesn’t mean that you have an intimate relationship. For example, if you regularly chat with a classmate, both online and off, and tell her all of your secrets—but she never does the same in return—your relationship isn’t intimate, it’s one-sided.

On the other hand, when listeners are nonsupportive in response to disclosures, or people disclose information that’s perceived as problematic, intimacy can be undermined. Think about an instance in which you shared something deeply personal with a friend, but he or she responded by ridiculing or judging you. How did this reaction make you feel? Chances are, it widened, rather than narrowed, the emotional distance between you and your friend. Research suggests that one of the most damaging events that can happen in interpersonal relationships is a partner’s sharing information that the other person finds inappropriate and perplexing (Planalp & Honeycutt, 1985). This is especially true in relationships where the partners are already struggling with challenging problems or experiencing painful transitions. For example, during divorce proceedings, parents commonly disclose negative and demeaning information about each other to their children. The parents may see this sharing as stress relieving or “cathartic” (Afifi, McManus, Hutchinson, & Baker, 2007), but these disclosures only intensify the children’s mental and physical distress and make them feel caught between the two parents (Koerner, Wallace, Lehman, & Raymond, 2002).