Imagine that you (like me) occasionally receive friendly Facebook messages from former romantic partners. You feel ethically obligated to share these messages with your current partner, but you also know that, when you do, he or she will respond with nasty remarks about your ex that anger you. How can you best manage the emotions that will arise?

The most fruitful strategy for engaging difficult and unavoidable emotions is reappraisal : actively changing how you think about the meaning of emotion-eliciting situations so that their emotional impact is changed (Jackson, Malmstadt, Larson, & Davidson, 2000). To use reappraisal in the previous example, you might think vividly about your partner’s positive aspects, your mutual love for one another, and your future together (Richards et al., 2003). As a result, you’ll be more likely to communicate positively, with empathy.

Reappraisal is effective because you employ it before a full-blown emotional reaction commences. This strategy requires little effort compared to trying to suppress or control your emotions after they’ve occurred. In addition, reappraisal produces interpersonal communication that is partner-focused and perceived as engaged and emotionally responsive (Gross et al., 2006). Across studies, people who are most effective at managing their emotional communication report reappraisal as their primary strategy (John & Gross, 2004).

Reappraisal is accomplished in two steps. First, before or during an encounter that you suspect will trigger an undesired emotion in yourself, call to mind the positive aspects of the encounter. If you truly can’t think of anything positive about the other person, your relationship, or the situation, focus on seeing yourself as the kind of person who can constructively communicate even during unpleasant encounters. Second, consider the short- and long-term consequences of your actions. Think about how communicating positively in the here-and-now will shape future outcomes in constructive ways.

You can use reappraisal to effectively manage problematic positive emotions as well. Imagine again that you’ve received a good grade on an exam that your roommate failed. Jumping for joy will not help to maintain your relationship with him or her. In this case, reappraisal allows you to focus on your roommate’s feelings and perspective; you might respond with “I did well on the exam, but I’m really sorry to hear that you weren’t happy with your grade. I’m sure you’ll do much better on the next exam now that you have a better sense of what Dr. Rodriguez is looking for.”