Comforting Others

The challenges you face in helping others manage their grief are compounded by the popular tendency to use suppression for managing sadness. The decision to use suppression derives from the widespread belief that it’s important to maintain a stoic bearing, a “stiff upper lip,” during personal tragedies (Beach, 2002). However, a person who uses suppression to manage grief can end up experiencing stress-related disorders such as chronic anxiety or depression. Also, the decision to suppress can lead even normally open and communicative people to stop talking about their feelings. This places you in the awkward position of trying to help others manage emotions that they themselves are unwilling to admit they are experiencing.

The best way you can help others manage their grief is to engage in supportive communication —sharing messages that express emotional support and that offer personal assistance (Burleson & MacGeorge, 2002). Competent support messages convey sincere expressions of sympathy and condolence, concern for the other person, and encouragement to express emotions. Incompetent support messages tell a person how he or she should feel or indicate that the individual is somehow inadequate or blameworthy. Communication scholar and social support expert Amanda Holmstrom offers seven suggestions for improving your supportive communication.3

  1. Make sure the person is ready to talk. You may have amazing support skills, but if the person is too upset to talk, don’t push it. Instead, make it clear that you care and want to help, and that you’ll be there to listen when he or she needs you.
  2. Find the right place and time. Once a person is ready, find a place and a time conducive to quiet conversation. Avoid distracting settings such as parties, where you won’t be able to focus, and find a time of the day where neither of you has other pressing obligations.
  3. Ask good questions. Start with open-ended queries such as “How are you feeling?” or “What’s on your mind?” Then follow up with more targeted questions based on the response, such as “Are you eating and sleeping OK?” (if not, a potential indicator of depression), or “Have you connected with a support group?” (essential to emotion-sharing). Don’t assume that because you’ve been in a similar situation, you know what someone is going through. Importantly, if you suspect a person is contemplating suicide, ask him or her directly about it. Say, “Have you been thinking about killing yourself?” or “Has suicide crossed your mind?” People often mistakenly think that direct questions such as these will “push someone over the edge,” but in fact it’s the opposite. Research suggests that someone considering suicide wants to talk about it, but believes that no one cares. If you ask direct questions, a suicidal person typically won’t be offended or lie but instead will open up to you. Then you can encourage the person to seek counseling. Someone not considering suicide will express surprise at the question, often laughing it off with a “What? No way!”
  4. Legitimize, don’t minimize. Don’t dismiss the problem or the significance of the person’s feelings by saying things such as “It could have been worse,” or “Why are you so upset?!” Research shows these comments are unhelpful. Instead, let the person know that it’s normal and OK to feel as they do.
  5. Listen actively. Show the person that you are interested in what is being said. Engage in good eye contact, lean toward him or her, and say “Uh-huh” and “Yeah” when appropriate.
  6. Offer advice cautiously. We want to help someone who is suffering. So we often jump right in and offer advice. But many times that’s not helpful or even wanted. Advice is best when it’s asked for, when the advice giver has relevant expertise or experience (e.g., a relationship counselor), or when it advocates actions the person can actually do. Advice is hurtful when it implies that the person is to blame or can’t solve his or her own problems. When in doubt, ask if advice would be appreciated—or just hold back.
  7. Show concern and give praise. Let the person know you genuinely care and are concerned about his or her well-being (“I am so sorry for your loss; you’re really important to me”). Build the person up by praising his or her strength in handling this challenge. Showing care and concern helps connect you to someone, while praise will help a person feel better.

Skills Practice

Supportive Communication

Skillfully providing emotional support

  1. Let the person know you’re available to talk, but don’t force an encounter.
  2. Find a quiet, private space.
  3. Start with general questions, and work toward more specific. If you think he or she might be suicidal, ask directly.
  4. Assure the person that his or her feelings are normal.
  5. Show that you’re attending closely to what is being said.
  6. Ask before offering advice.
  7. Let the person know you care!

Question

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LearningCurve

Chapter 4

Postscript

We began this chapter with the story of a woman committed to transforming the lives of teenagers. Vy Higginsen founded Gospel for Teens in part to create a musical refuge for young people to escape their emotional turmoil. But she quickly learned that her students’ emotions couldn’t be suppressed, and that through sharing their emotions with one another they could more quickly heal their wounds of anger and grief.

How do you manage the emotional challenges of your life? Do you leave your baggage at the door, burying your emotions? Or do you bring your baggage in, sharing your emotions with others?

The story of Vy Higginsen and her students reminds us that, although we have emotions, we are not our emotions. It’s our capacity to constructively manage the emotions we experience, and communicate them in positive ways, that makes hope and goodness in our lives possible.

3Content that follows was provided to the author by Dr. Amanda Holmstrom, and published with permission. The author thanks Dr. Holmstrom for her contribution.