Part of effectively managing conflict is accepting that some conflicts are unsolvable, or impossible to resolve. Sometimes, no amount of collaboration can solve fundamental differences. How can you recognize such disputes? Clues include: you and the other person aren’t willing to change your negative opinions of one another; your goals are irreconcilable and strongly held; and at least one partner is uncooperative, chronically defensive, or violent. In these cases, the only options are to avoid the conflict, hope that your attitudes or goals will change over time, or abandon the relationship.
LearningCurve
Chapter 9
This chapter began with a woman determined to dominate her children. Amy Chua made headlines and best-seller lists when she boasted of her dictatorial parenting style. Her book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother describes her dysfunctional approaches to managing conflict and power in painful detail, including taunts, tantrums, insults, and accusations.
What messages did you learn growing up about how conflict and power should best be managed? Did the way in which your parents or caregivers dealt with conflicts leave you feeling better about yourself and your relationship with them? Or did it leave a wake of interpersonal destruction and heartache behind?
Satirical or not, Chua’s book provides a powerful lesson for us all regarding the relationship between choices, communication, and outcomes. When you consistently choose to manage disputes in unyielding, aggressive ways, the relationship outcomes will be as unsatisfying and unpleasant as the conflict itself.