An important ingredient of close relationships, especially loving relationships, is mutual self-disclosure—the revealing of intimate details about ourselves, including our likes and dislikes, dreams and worries, and proud and shameful moments. As one person reveals a little, the other returns the gift. The first then reveals more, and on and on, as intimacy progresses. To assess your gifts at engaging people in a way that elicits self-disclosure, take the “Opener Scale” created by Lynn Miller, John Berg, and Richard Archer.
Bolt, M. (2012). Instructor’s Resources. New York: Worth Publishers.
Miller, L. C., Berg, J. H., & Archer, R. L. (1983). Openers: Individuals who elicit intimate self-disclosure. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 44, 1234-1244.
For each statement, indicate whether or not the statement is characteristic of you.
ks1cGZq49rk117I5vPpa08c0l3nmsRZ8xhBkCMrUrKDZB4lJFdTaEl5vmgb9IDydn4829jU91j0= 1. People frequently tell me about themselves.
ks1cGZq49rk117I5vPpa08c0l3nmsRZ8xhBkCMrUrKDZB4lJFdTaEl5vmgb9IDydn4829jU91j0= 2. I’ve been told that I’m a good listener.
ks1cGZq49rk117I5vPpa08c0l3nmsRZ8xhBkCMrUrKDZB4lJFdTaEl5vmgb9IDydn4829jU91j0= 3. I’m very accepting of others.
ks1cGZq49rk117I5vPpa08c0l3nmsRZ8xhBkCMrUrKDZB4lJFdTaEl5vmgb9IDydn4829jU91j0= 4. People trust me with their secrets.
ks1cGZq49rk117I5vPpa08c0l3nmsRZ8xhBkCMrUrKDZB4lJFdTaEl5vmgb9IDydn4829jU91j0= 5. I easily get people to “open up.”
ks1cGZq49rk117I5vPpa08c0l3nmsRZ8xhBkCMrUrKDZB4lJFdTaEl5vmgb9IDydn4829jU91j0= 6. People feel relaxed around me.
ks1cGZq49rk117I5vPpa08c0l3nmsRZ8xhBkCMrUrKDZB4lJFdTaEl5vmgb9IDydn4829jU91j0= 7. I enjoy listening to people.
ks1cGZq49rk117I5vPpa08c0l3nmsRZ8xhBkCMrUrKDZB4lJFdTaEl5vmgb9IDydn4829jU91j0= 8. I’m sympathetic to people’s problems.
ks1cGZq49rk117I5vPpa08c0l3nmsRZ8xhBkCMrUrKDZB4lJFdTaEl5vmgb9IDydn4829jU91j0= 9. I encourage people to tell me about how they are feeling.
ks1cGZq49rk117I5vPpa08c0l3nmsRZ8xhBkCMrUrKDZB4lJFdTaEl5vmgb9IDydn4829jU91j0= 10. I can keep people talking about themselves.
Your Score
Your score is: {model.total}
Scores can range from 10 to 50 with higher scores reflecting a greater tendency to elicit revelations from others. Mean (average) scores for a large sample of undergraduate students were 40.7 for women and 38.0 for men.
Some people, especially women, are skilled “openers.” They are what Carl Rogers called “growth-promoting” listeners.
We are especially likely to disclose when distressed—when we feel angry or anxious. Having an intimate partner with whom we can share threats to our self-image helps us survive such stresses. Dating and married couples who are self-disclosing to one another express greatest satisfaction with their relationship and are more likely to remain committed to it. Through active listening, trust builds and partners feel accepted.
To become a more skilled opener, listen actively to others. Hear both their words and their implied feelings, and reflect them back: “So you’re feeling . . . .” “I think I hear you saying that . . . .” “You’re finding it hard to understand . . . .” You may be surprised how people respond when someone listens deeply, with empathy.
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