As we discussed earlier, from mundane business transactions to intimate discussions, all communication occurs within the context of a relationship. In the competent communication model, this relational context is represented by the inner sphere in Figure 1.3. A kiss, for example, has a different meaning when bestowed on your mother than it does when shared with your romantic partner. When you make a new acquaintance, saying “Let’s be friends” can be an exciting invitation to get to know someone new, but the same message shared with someone you’ve been dating for a year shuts down intimacy. The relationship itself is influenced by its past history as well as both parties’ expectations for the current situation and for the future.

A relational history is the sum of the shared experiences of the individuals involved in the relationship. References to this common history (such as inside jokes) can be important in defining a relationship, because such references indicate to you, your partner, and others that there is something special about this bond. Your relational history may also affect what is appropriate in a particular circumstance. For example, you may give advice to a sibling or close friend without worrying about politeness, but you might be careful with someone you haven’t known for very long. Relational history can complicate matters when you’re communicating on social networking sites like Facebook. Your “friends” probably include those who are currently very close to you as well as those who are distant (for example, former elementary school classmates). Even if you direct your post to one friend in particular, all your friends can see it, so you might be letting those distant relationships in on a private joke (or making them feel left out).

Our communication is also shaped by our expectations and goals for the relationship. Expectations and goals can be quite different. For example, high school sweethearts may want their relationship to continue (a goal) but at the same time anticipate that going to college in different states could lead to a breakup (an expectation). Clearly, our expectations and goals differ according to each relationship. They change during the course of both short conversations and over the life span of a relationship.