To Friend, or Not to Friend

Among toddlers on playgrounds, the question “Will you be my friend?” is common. But as we grow older, it’s rare that any relationship begins with such formalities. That is, until we get to Facebook. Suddenly, it has become the norm to reach out to people you know—and people you barely know or don’t know at all—and invite them to be your “friend” in this virtual environment. These connections can be valuable: for individuals seeking to network, for organizations seeking to promote a business or cause, for groups trying to organize or distribute information to members, and for anyone who wants to share thoughts, photos, or other content, Facebook provides a simple interface and a large and somewhat customizable audience.

Complicating the issue is the fact that each of the social networking site’s more than 874 million active users uses it in a different way. Some think of it as a microblog for posting their observations or opinions, or for sharing experiences, whereas others use it as a networking space for making professional, social, or civic connections. Some might post a good deal of personal information for the world to see (photos, favorite causes, political rants, religious statements) whereas others might use it only to keep in touch with close friends and family. Among social media users, 58 percent note that they limit access to their content to “friends only” (Madden, 2012), but deciding who a “friend” is can be difficult. The company’s prime mission is “to make the world more open and connected” (“Our Mission,” 2013), and in pursuit of that goal, the platform makes it increasingly difficult to maintain just a small network of Facebook friends. So, what starts out as a close circle of friends with whom you might share intimate details of your life is quickly expanded as “friend requests” from acquaintances, colleagues, “friends of friends,” and others start showing up in your notifications box.

Of course, you can simply deny friend requests, lock down your privacy settings, and keep your group small. But when you do that, you risk insulting or offending those who seek to connect with you—which can be awkward. How do you deny a friend request from your boss? Your professor? Your nana? On the other hand, if you accept every friend request that comes in, you risk having your information broadcast beyond your intended circle of connections. A time-stamped comment on a colleague’s page could reveal that you were not exactly on task at work all day if that colleague is a “friend” of your boss; liking a friend’s private photo or relationship status could out him to his family if you—or any of your “friends”—share connections with them.

Recent data suggest that Facebook use may be declining. Teens are largely abandoning the site for other networks (Bercovici, 2013), and more than a quarter of current users note that the site is less important to them than it was a year ago. Among adults who do not use the network, some 20 percent are former Facebook users who have left (Rainie, Smith, & Duggan, 2013). Relatively few former users and nonusers specifically site privacy issues as a key concern, although many have noted that there was too much drama, gossip, and boring, mundane, or negative posts from “friends.”