People who do not like conflict often use escapist styles—they try to prevent or avoid direct conflict altogether or, if they have to engage in it, get it over with as quickly as possible. There are two styles that both involve trying to escape conflict: avoiding and obliging.

When you are avoiding, you do not express your own needs and goals, even if you have a grievance. But before you think this is being selfless, note that avoiders also do not allow others to express their needs. Instead, when the potential for conflict arises, avoiders often hide from the person who is angry. When confronted, they may try to change the subject or offer to discuss the issue later (“let’s not spoil our nice dinner; we can put the pie back in the fridge and leave it until later”). Avoiding can be beneficial to a relationship in certain situations, such as when a confrontation might hurt the other person or when it would be better to postpone dealing with the conflict until a more appropriate time. Stafford (2010) found, for example, that couples in long-distance relationships may benefit from conflict avoidance because it minimizes differences and maximizes positive interaction. But avoidance strategies may be unproductive if they continually prevent people from dealing with issues that need to be addressed. Research has found that continual avoidance of conflict in families negatively impacts family strength and satisfaction (Schrodt, 2009; Ubinger, Handal, & Massura, 2013).

The other escapist style is obliging (also called accommodating or yielding). When you oblige someone, you give in to what he or she wants—that is, you let your sister have the pie! This is an escapist style because, like avoiding, it is a way to get out of having to engage in the conflict. The difference is that when you are obliging, you are at least somewhat concerned about the other person’s goals—you would rather “lose” than have the other person be upset with you. Obliging strategies can be effective at preserving relational harmony, particularly when an issue is relatively unimportant (there will be other opportunities for pie) or when giving in shows that you recognize how much the issue really means to the other person (it’s her favorite pie and she’s had a tough day). Indeed, research shows that people who feel very “close” in their relationships tend to engage more in obliging than do more distant relational partners (Zhang & Andreychik, 2013). However, if you always give in, your sister may learn to exploit you (think about what happens when parents always give in to their child’s tantrums!), or you may build up resentment at never getting your own needs met in the relationship.