INTRODUCING INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION

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1. INTRODUCING INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION

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Interpersonal communication is the bridge that connects us to others

She is home with the kids, who are alternating between angry and clingy.1 She’s trying to cook dinner, but the smoke detector keeps blaring, causing the dog to bark. Sure enough, it’s at this moment the phone rings. Glancing at the caller ID, she sees it is the caller she hoped for. She answers, because despite the chaos around her, this could be their last conversation. He says, “I’ve been waiting in line for two hours to talk and I only have ten minutes. I’ve had a really bad day and miss you all.” What should she say? Choice #1: Lie. Tell him everything’s fine, and mask her frustration with coolness. But he’ll sense her aloofness and leave the conversation worrying about why she is distracted. Is she angry with him? Having an affair? Choice #2: Be honest. Tell him that things are chaotic, and ask whether he can talk to the kids for a minute while she clears her head.

Military wife, author, and New York Times columnist Melissa Seligman has lived this scene many times during her husband’s combat deployments. She has learned to choose the second path because of the inescapable connection between communication choices and relationship outcomes. As she describes, “When a family member is gone for a year at a time, how can you sustain closeness? How do you maintain a three-dimensional marriage in a two-dimensional state? The only way is through open, honest, and loving communication.”

The Seligmans use multiple media to maintain intimacy, including webcams, and exchanging videos, e-mails, phone calls, and letters. Melissa notes, “This way, we have a rounded communication relationship. We even send care packages of leaves, sand, pine needles, or pieces of fabric with cologne or perfume, to awaken the senses and cement the memories we have of each other.” They also journal, then read each other’s writings when they are reunited. The journals “have the dates, circumstances, and what went unsaid in the day-to-day minutiae of our lives. They are our way of staying connected when ripped apart.”

Melissa Seligman uses similarly diverse communication in her professional work with military support groups. “In my working life, I am on Facebook, Skype, and Web conference calls all the time. Texting. Instant-messaging. All of these are essential.” But she also is mindful of the limits of technology, recognizing the importance of tailoring the medium to the task. “Technology cannot sustain a relationship, and relying on it to do so will create chaos. Rather, choosing the technology that best suits an individual’s relationship is the key.”

Across years of experience, Melissa Seligman and her family have learned to cope with intense versions of the same challenges we all face in our relationships. How can I better manage my anger and frustration? What can I do to maintain closeness with those I love? How can I communicate in a way that’s both honest and kind? In 2010, she and co-author Christina Piper released a children’s book, A Heart Apart, which helps young children cope with the absence of military parents. When she is asked to reflect on the importance of communication, Melissa thinks of the next generation: “Children need to know and understand that anger and sadness go along with missing someone. They must be taught the importance of communication, and how to communicate well. This sets them up for success when their emotions begin to flow. Feelings are not right or wrong—it’s what you choose to do with them that counts. Teaching our children to communicate well is the best gift we can give them.”

My life, like yours, is filled with interpersonal communication, in all its varied forms. While I’m sitting in the kitchen, writing on my laptop, the sound of Radiohead’s “Lotus Flower” suddenly splits the silence. It’s a text from my son Kyle, who’s attending a music festival: “fleet foxes were awesome!” A few minutes later I get an e-mail alert: it’s a Facebook message from Kyle’s girlfriend Margot, who’s in France visiting relatives: “Just wanted to say hi to everyone!” While I’m reading Margot’s message, a chat message pops up from Franki, my friend in California: “Check out the photos of my new beagle puppies!” While I’m surfing her puppy photo album, my wife Kelly and sons Colin and Conor walk in and ask, “Dad, do you want to order pizza tonight?”

Interpersonal communication is the bridge that connects us to others. Through interpersonal communication, we build, maintain, and even end relationships with romantic partners, family members, friends, coworkers, and others. We do this through texting, instant-messaging, social networking site posts and chat, e-mail, face-to-face interactions, and phone calls. And we switch back and forth between these various forms fluidly, effortlessly.

But regardless of how we’re communicating, or with whom, one fact inescapably binds us: the communication choices we make determine the personal, interpersonal, and relationship outcomes that follow. When we communicate well, we create desirable outcomes, such as positive emotions and satisfying relationships. When we communicate poorly, we generate negative outcomes, such as interpersonal conflict or dissatisfaction with a relationship. By studying interpersonal communication, you can acquire knowledge and skills to boost your interpersonal competence. This, in turn, will help you to build and maintain satisfying relationships, and ultimately, improve your quality of life.

In this chapter, we begin our study of interpersonal communication. You’ll learn:

outline

  • chapter outline

  • 5

  • What Is Communication?

  • 10

  • What Is Interpersonal Communication?

  • 21

  • What Is Interpersonal Communication Competence?

  • 27

  • Issues in Interpersonal Communication

  • 33

  • The Journey Ahead