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2.4.4 Disclosing Your Self To Others

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Disclosing Your Self to Others

In his 2008 memoir Rock On, humorist Dan Kennedy details his experiences as a marketing executive for Atlantic Records. While recording a public-service announcement with the band the Donnas, Dan shared private information with them—a decision he quickly regretted:

“So, do you like your job?” one of them asks me. “Yeah, you know. Whatever. I guess it’s pretty cool as far as jobs go. Pretty, you know, chill.” When I hear it come out of my mouth, it sounds like one of those cheesy modern dads trying to get his daughters to think he’s cool so they’ll admit to drinking beer on the weekends and then he can lecture them. “I kinda do whatever I need to do and nobody really asks me any questions. Yesterday I took a two-and-a-half-hour lunch with a friend. What are they gonna say?” Just then, the product manager and the vice president for radio come in from the control room. “Okay, this shouldn’t take long, we should have you out of here pretty quick. I see you’ve already met Dan.” And that’s when it happened. To this day I can’t remember which one started it. “Yeah we met. He was telling us how he takes two-and-a-half-hour lunches with his friend and nobody says anything.” Then the other girls start laughing and chiming in. “Yeah, he’s all, What are they gonna say?” I give them a look while biting my lip, bulging my eyes, and barely shaking my head “no” in hopes of discreetly stopping this. But there’s no way to get them to turn back. “Yeah, we asked him if he likes his job and he was like, ‘I guess, if you gotta have a job.’ I stand there with a terrified polite smile frozen on my face avoiding eye contact with the product manager and vice president, waiting for the moment when the three of us would start laughing. After five or six seconds of silence, it becomes apparent this isn’t one of those moments (Kennedy, 2008).

We all can think of situations in which we’ve revealed private information about ourselves to others. This is known as self-disclosure (Wheeless, 1978), and it plays a critical role in interpersonal communication and relationship development. According to the interpersonal process model of intimacy, the closeness we feel toward others in our relationships is created through two things: self-disclosure and responsiveness of listeners to disclosure (Reis & Patrick, 1996). Relationships are intimate when both partners share private information with each other and each partner responds to the other’s disclosures with understanding, caring, and support (Reis & Shaver, 1988). One practical implication of this is just because you share your thoughts and feelings with someone doesn’t mean that you have an intimate relationship. For example, if you regularly chat with a classmate, both online and off, and tell her all of your secrets—but she never does the same in return—your relationship isn’t intimate, it’s one-sided. In a similar fashion, tweeting or posting personal thoughts and feelings and having people read them online doesn’t create intimate relationships. Intimacy only exists when both people are sharing with and supporting each other.

Self-Disclosure

Watch this clip to answer the questions below.

Question

On the other hand, as the Dan Kennedy example illustrates, when listeners are nonsupportive in response to disclosures, or people disclose information that’s perceived as problematic, intimacy can be undermined. Think about an instance in which you shared something deeply personal with a friend, but he or she responded by ridiculing or judging you: “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard—I can’t believe you think that!” How did this reaction make you feel? Chances are, it widened, rather than narrowed, the emotional distance between you and your friend. Research suggests that one of the most damaging events that can happen in interpersonal relationships is a partner’s sharing information that the other person finds inappropriate and perplexing (Planalp & Honeycutt, 1985). This is especially true in relationships where the partners are already struggling with challenging problems or experiencing painful transitions. For example, during divorce proceedings, parents commonly disclose negative and demeaning information about each other to their children. The parents may see this sharing as stress-relieving or “cathartic” (Afifi, McManus, Hutchinson, & Baker, 2007). But these disclosures only intensify the children’s mental and physical distress and make them feel caught between the two parents (Koerner, Wallace, Lehman, & Raymond, 2002)—something we’ll discuss more in Chapter 10 on family relationships.

On the television show How I Met Your Mother, Ted and Robin’s relationship gets off to an awkward start when Ted tells her he loves her on their first date. Throughout their relationship, their conflicting ideas of self-disclosure cause discomfort and ultimately create distance between them.

Differences in Disclosure Researchers have conducted thousands of self-disclosure studies over the past 40 years (Tardy & Dindia, 1997). These studies suggest five important facts regarding how people self-disclose.

First, in any culture, people vary widely in the degree to which they self-disclose. Some people are naturally transparent, others are more opaque (Jourard, 1964). Trying to force someone who has a different idea of self-disclosure than yours to open up or be more discreet is not only presumptuous but can damage the relationship (Luft, 1970).

Second, people across cultures differ in their self-disclosure. For instance, people of Asian descent tend to disclose less than do people of European ancestry. Japanese disclose substantially less than Americans in both friendships and romantic relationships, and they view self-disclosure as a less important aspect of intimacy development than do Americans (Barnlund, 1975). Researchers found similar tendencies among people of Chinese heritage. In general, Euro-Americans tend to disclose more frequently than just about any other cultural group, including Asians, Hispanics, and African Americans (Klopf, 2001).

Third, people disclose more quickly, broadly, and deeply when interacting online than face-to-face. One reason for this is that during online encounters, people can’t see those with whom they are interacting, and so the consequences of such disclosure seem less noticeable (Joinson, 2001). Additionally, because much of online communication lacks nonverbal cues, words take on more importance and intensity than those exchanged during face-to-face interactions. The consequence of all this is that we often overestimate the intimacy of online interactions and relationships.

To help ensure competent online disclosure, scholar Malcolm Parks offers the following advice: Be wary of the emotionally seductive qualities of online interaction.⁵ Disclose information slowly and with caution. Remember that online communication is both public and permanent; hence, secrets that you post, text, or e-mail are no longer secrets. Few experiences in the interpersonal realm are more uncomfortable than “post-cyber-disclosure panic”—that awful moment when you wonder who else might be reading the innermost thoughts you just revealed in an e-mail or a text message to a friend (Barnes, 2001).

Fourth, self-disclosure appears to promote mental health and relieve stress (Tardy, 2000). Especially when the information is troubling, keeping it inside can escalate your stress levels substantially, resulting in immune system breakdown, ulcers, and high blood pressure (Pennebaker, 1997). Keeping troubling information trapped inside can also lead it to dominate your thoughts because you must constantly monitor what you say to avoid disclosing the secret (Kelly & McKillop, 1996). Of course, the flip side of disclosing troubling secrets to others is that people might react negatively and you might be more vulnerable.

Finally, little evidence exists that supports the stereotype that men can’t disclose their feelings in relationships. In close same-sex friendships, for example, both men and women disclose deeply and broadly (Shelton et al., 2010). And in cross-sex romantic involvements, men often disclose at levels equal to or greater than their female partners (Canary et al., 1997). As just one example, husbands in dual-career marriages disclose more than their wives (Rosenfeld & Welsh, 1985). This has led gender and communication scholars to agree, “It is time to stop perpetuating the myth that there are large sex differences in men’s and women’s self-disclosure” (Dindia & Allen, 1992, p. 118). At the same time, however, both men and women feel more comfortable disclosing to female than to male recipients (Dindia & Allen, 1992). Teenagers are more likely to disclose to mothers and best female friends than to fathers and best male friends—suggesting that adolescents may perceive females as more empathic and understanding than males (Garcia & Geisler, 1988).

Question

Competently Disclosing Your Self Based on all we know about self-disclosure, how can you improve your disclosure skills? Consider these recommendations for competent self-disclosure:

Follow the advice of Apollo: know your self. Before disclosing, make sure that the aspects of your self you reveal to others are aspects that you want to reveal and that you feel certain about. This is especially important when disclosing intimate feelings, such as romantic interest. When you disclose feelings about others directly to them, you affect their lives and relationship decisions. Consequently, you’re ethically obligated to be certain about the truth of your own feelings before sharing them with others.
Know your audience. Whether it’s a wall post or an intimate conversation with a friend, think carefully about how others will perceive your disclosure and how it will impact their thoughts and feelings about you. If you’re unsure of the appropriateness of a disclosure, don’t disclose. This holds equally true for online and face-to-face encounters. Instead of disclosing, talk more generally about the issue or topic first, gauging the person’s level of comfort with the conversation before revealing deeper information.
Don’t force others to self-disclose. We often presume it’s good for people to “open up” and share their secrets, particularly those that are troubling them. Although it’s perfectly appropriate to let someone know you’re available to listen, it’s unethical and destructive to force or cajole others into sharing information against their will. People have reasons for not wanting to tell you things—just as you have reasons for protecting your own privacy.
Don’t presume gender preferences. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that because someone is a woman, she will disclose freely; or that because he’s a man, he’s incapable of discussing his feelings. Men and women are more similar than different when it comes to disclosure. At the same time, be mindful of the tendency to feel more comfortable disclosing to women. Don’t presume that because you’re talking with a woman it’s appropriate for you to freely disclose.
Be sensitive to cultural differences. When interacting with people from different backgrounds, disclose gradually. As with gender, don’t presume disclosure patterns based on ethnicity. Just because someone is of European descent doesn’t mean he or she will want to openly share intimate thoughts and feelings, and just because someone is Asian doesn’t mean he or she will be comparatively reluctant to disclose.
Go slowly. Share intermediate and central aspects of your self gradually and only after thorough discussion of peripheral information. Moving too quickly to discussion of your deepest fears, self-esteem concerns, and personal values not only increases your sense of vulnerability, but it may make others uncomfortable enough to avoid you.

A key aspect to understanding your self is to practice critical self-reflection by analyzing what you are thinking and feeling, why, and how this is influencing your communication. This can help you improve your communication and your relationships. Even John F. Kennedy took time for reflection in the Oval Office during his presidency.