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Aggressive Listening

People who engage in aggressive listening (also called ambushing) attend to what others say solely to find an opportunity to attack their conversational partners. For example, your friend may routinely ask for your opinions regarding fashion and music, but she then disparages your tastes whenever you share them with her. Or your romantic partner may encourage you to share your feelings, but then mocks your feelings when you do share them.

The personal, interpersonal, and relational costs of aggressive listening are substantial. People who consistently use listening to ambush others typically think less favorably about themselves (Infante & Wigley, 1986), experience lower marital satisfaction (Payne & Sabourin, 1990), and may experience more physical violence in their relationships (Infante, Chandler, & Rudd, 1989).

Some people engage in aggressive listening online. People known as provocateurs post messages designed solely as “trolls” (from the fishing technique of trolling) to annoy others. They wait for people to post responses, and then they attack the responses. If the attacks of a provocateur are sophisticated enough, naïve group members may side with him or her against participants who seek to oust the instigator from the group. The result can be a flame war that prompts the site manager to shut down the discussion group—the ultimate “victory” for a provocateur.

If you find yourself habitually listening in an aggressive fashion, combat this type of incompetent listening by discovering and dealing with the root causes of your aggression. Oftentimes, external pressures such as job stress, relationship challenges, or family problems can play a role, so be careful to consider all possible causes and solutions for your behavior. Don’t hesitate to seek professional assistance if you feel that it would be helpful. If you’re in a personal or professional relationship with someone who uses aggressive listening against you, deal with that person by following the recommendations for addressing verbal aggression outlined in Chapter 6. Limit your interactions when possible, be polite and respectful, and use a people-oriented listening style. Avoid retaliating by using aggressive listening yourself because it will only escalate the aggression.