BACKGROUND

One of the most difficult listening situations you will face is when you feel obligated to listen to information that you find offensive or unethical. To learn how you might competently handle such a situation, read the case study and work through the five steps under Your Turn.

CASE STUDY

You’ve been in a serious relationship with Taylor for several months. The two of you are well matched in beliefs, interests, values, and personalities. You love one another and are considering marriage. Taylor recently met your family, and everyone got along well. Your family is close, emotionally supportive, and ethnically diverse. Several of your siblings married people from different ethnic backgrounds, and many of your nieces and nephews have dual heritages. Now it’s your turn to meet Taylor’s family. Taylor warns you in advance, however, that “they’re a bit old-fashioned” when it comes to diversity. You interpret this to mean that they might be somewhat prejudiced, but you don’t expect it to be much of a problem.

Arriving at Taylor’s home, you receive a warm and hearty welcome. The family turns out to be very outgoing, open, and friendly. You like them immediately, and Taylor seems relieved that you’re all getting along so well. As the evening progresses, however, the conversation around the dinner table takes a disturbing turn. Taylor’s brother launches into a string of racist jokes that happen to target the same ethnic groups as your siblings’ spouses. Then others at the table begin sharing stories that disparage other races.

For much of this conversation, you try to show that you’re listening, but you feel sick inside. Finally, you can’t take it anymore and politely excuse yourself to use the bathroom. Lingering in the hallway, you ponder your next move, when Taylor walks up and says, “I am so sorry. I know how offended and hurt you must be. Trust me, I feel the same way. But my brothers are teasing me about what’s taking you so long, and my mom just served dessert. I know she’ll be really hurt if you don’t come back and join us.”

As you stand there, competing impulses run through your mind. Do you protect your relationship with Taylor and maintain your positive image with the family by tolerating the racist storytelling? Do you pseudo-listen, merely playing the part of the active listener? Do you jeopardize your relationship with Taylor’s family by expressing your discomfort with the conversation? Or do you support your family by refusing to listen any further and leaving?

YOUR TURN

While working through the following steps, keep in mind the interpersonal communication concepts, skills, and insights you’ve learned so far, especially in this chapter. Also remember: there are no right answers, so think hard about the choice you make! (Review the Helpful Concepts listed below.)

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