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Conflict and Interpersonal Communication

Most conflicts occur between people who know each other

We like to think of conflict as unusual, an unpleasant exception to the normal routine of our relationships. Each conflict seems freshly painful and unprecedented. “I can’t believe it!” we text or post on Facebook, “We had a terrible fight last night!” Friends immediately fire back messages echoing our shock: “OMG, really?!” Observing other couples, we judge their relationships by how much they fight: couples who argue too much are “doomed to fail,” whereas those who rarely disagree must be “blissfully happy.”

But such beliefs are mistaken. Conflict is a normal part of all relationships (Canary, 2003). Dealing with other human beings (and their unique goals, preferences, and opinions) means regularly having your wants and needs run up against theirs, triggering disputes (Malis & Roloff, 2006). On average, people report seven conflicts a week, mostly with relatives, friends, and lovers with whom they’ve argued before (Benoit & Benoit, 1990). Thus, the challenge you face is not how to avoid conflict, or how to live a conflict-free life, but instead how to constructively manage the conflicts that will arise in your interpersonal relationships.