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Deciding Whether to Maintain

Of course, not all romantic involvements are worth the effort to maintain. In some cases, it may be healthier to end the involvement rather than communicate in ways designed to foster its survival. The decision of whether to maintain or dissolve a struggling romance is one of the most challenging interpersonal decisions we face.

As one way to work through this decision, familiarize yourself with the characteristics of couples whose relationships survive. Four factors—each of which we’ve discussed—appear to be most important in predicting survival of a romantic relationship. First is the degree to which the partners consider themselves “in love.” Couples are more likely to stay together if they think of themselves as in love, are considering marriage or a lifelong commitment, rate their relationship as high in closeness, or date each other exclusively (Hill et al., 1976). Second is equity. Romantic relationships are happiest and most stable when the balance of giving and getting is equal for both partners (Hatfield et al., 1985). Third is similarity. Highly similar couples are more likely to stay together than couples who are dissimilar (Hill et al., 1976). Fourth is network support. A romance is more likely to endure when the couple’s social networks approve of the relationship (Felmlee, 2001; Parks & Adelman, 1983). To determine how well your relationship meets these criteria, ask yourself the following questions:

If you answer “yes” to these questions, your relationship may warrant investment in maintenance. But remember: deciding whether to maintain a struggling relationship or to let it go is a choice only you can make. Friends, family members, pop-culture relationship experts, and even textbooks can’t tell you when to keep or when to leave a romantic involvement. That being said, romantic relationships are in many ways practical endeavors. Your decision to maintain or end a struggling romance should be based on a long-term forecast of your relationship. Stacking your relationship up against those four criteria can give you insight into whether your relationship has a solid foundation on which to invest further effort.