reflectrelate4

THE DARK SIDE OF INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS

Interpersonal communication strongly influences the quality of our interpersonal relationships, and the quality of those relationships in turn affects how we feel about our lives. When our involvements with lovers, family, friends, and coworkers are satisfying and healthy, we feel happier in general (Myers, 2002). But the fact that relationships can bring us joy obscures the fact that relationships, and the interpersonal communication that occurs within them, can often be destructive.

making relationship choices: Dealing with a Difficult Friend

1 BACKGROUND

Communicating competently is challenging, especially when close relationship partners provoke us. When problematic encounters happen online, it makes dealing with them even more difficult. Read the case study in Part 2; then, drawing on all you know about interpersonal communication thus far, work through the problem-solving model in Part 3.

Visit LaunchPad to check out the other side of the story (Part 4). For the best experience, complete all parts in LaunchPad: macmillanhighered.com/reflectrelate4e. [[Then, check out the other side of the story and take an interpersonal competence self-assessment.]]

2 CASE STUDY

Kaitlyn, Cort, and you have been best friends for years. The three of you are inseparable, and people joke that you’re more like triplets than friends. After high school, you and Cort become college housemates. Kaitlyn can’t afford tuition yet, so she stays in your hometown to work and save money. Despite the distance, the three of you stay in daily contact.

Recently, however, things have changed. Kaitlyn has been hanging out with people you consider shady. She’s been drinking heavily and boasting about her all-night binges. You try to be supportive, but you’re worried.

You awake one Sunday to find that one of Kaitlyn’s new friends has tagged her in a series of Facebook photos documenting their latest party adventure. Kaitlyn has added a comment that reads, “A new low is reached—I LUV it!!” Surfing through the pictures, you see Kaitlyn drinking until she passes out. Several photos show her friends laughing and posing with her while she’s unconscious. In one image, they’ve drawn a smiley face on her forehead with a Sharpie. Looking at these photos, you’re heartsick with humiliation for your friend. Why would Kaitlyn hang with people like that? But you also can’t understand why she would comment on these pictures rather than insist on having them deleted. What if her family saw them? or her employers? You e-mail her, telling her she should have the photos deleted, and saying that you’re worried about her behavior and her choice of new friends. She doesn’t respond.

That night, you’re studying with Cort. When Cort steps out to get some food, a message alert sounds on his phone. It’s a text from Kaitlyn. You know you shouldn’t read it, but your curiosity gets the best of you. It’s a rage message, in which Kaitlyn blasts you for prying into her business, for judging her, for thinking you’re better than her, and for telling her what to do. It’s personal, profane, and very insulting.

You feel sick to your stomach. You love Kaitlyn, but you’re also furious with her. How could she say such horrible things when all you were trying to do was help? As you sit there stewing, another text to Cort from Kaitlyn comes in. “Where r u? Text me back! I want to talk w/ u about our nosy, o-so-perfect friend!”

3 YOUR TURN

Think about all you’ve learned thus far about interpersonal communication. Then work through the following five steps. Remember, there are no “right” answers, so think hard about what is the best choice! (P.S. Need help? See the Helpful Concepts list.)

step 1

Reflect on yourself. What are your thoughts and feelings in this situation? What assumptions are you making about Kaitlyn and her communication? Are your assumptions accurate?

step 2

Reflect on your partner. Put yourself in Kaitlyn’s shoes. How is she thinking and feeling? Are her views valid?

step 3

Identify the optimal outcome. Think about your relationship and communication with Kaitlyn and all that has happened. What’s the best, most constructive relationship outcome possible? Consider what’s best for you and for Kaitlyn.

step 4

Locate the roadblocks. Taking into consideration your own and Kaitlyn’s thoughts and feelings and all that has happened in this situation, what obstacles are preventing you from achieving the optimal outcome?

step 5

Chart your course. What can you say to Kaitlyn to overcome the roadblocks you’ve identified and achieve your optimal outcome?

HELPFUL CONCEPTS

I-Thou and I-It, 13 [[LP x-ref: I-Thou and I-It]]

Relationship information, 13–15 [[LP x-ref: Relationship Information]]

The irreversibility of interpersonal communication, 16 [[LP x-ref: The irreversibility of interpersonal communication]]

Ethics, 23–24 [[LP x-ref: Ethics]]

Improving your online competence, 24–27 [[LP x-ref: Improving your online competence]]

4 THE OTHER SIDE

Visit LaunchPad to watch a video in which Kaitlyn tells her side of the case study story. [[Watch this video in which Kaitlyn tells her side of the case study story.]] As in many real-life situations, this is information to which you did not have access when you were initially crafting your response in Part 3. The video reminds us that even when we do our best to offer competent responses, there is always another side to the story that we need to consider.

In studying interpersonal communication, you can learn much by looking beyond constructive encounters to the types of damaging exchanges that occur all too frequently in life. The greatest challenges to your interpersonal communication skills lie not in communicating competently when it is easy to do so but in practicing competent interpersonal communication when doing so is difficult. Throughout the text, we will discuss many of the negative situations that you may experience, as well as recommendations for how to deal with them.

Online Self-Quiz: The Dark Side of Interpersonal Relationships. To take this self-quiz, visit LaunchPad: macmillanhighered.com/reflectrelate4e